Better bad days

I know that Rickey and I are both learning durring this new time in our lives, and I think we're starting to get some things down!

Yes I know that even medication won't make the bipolar disappear , even if I wanted it to. So he still has bad days. Now when a angry mood hits we've worked out a plan. He tries to tell me if he feels it come on and if we're together he'll ask me to leave the room. No I don't like being asked to leave, but it beats the fight that might happen if  I stayed in the same room, and he stays in the room and takes a nap or beats on his punching bag.

A few good things I can be thankful for. As we work through this stupid disease there are things I am glad R doesn't and do and will never do.  He has never physically hurt me or the kids, he has never cheated or abused drugs or liqure. With bipolars you have to be thankful in what is good with this stupid disease.

Here's praying for a much better, healthier 2013!!!

Laughing all the way...

The last two days have been so good! I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of my Rickey. We went out yesterday to spend our Christmas money, we were gone most of the day went to at least 4 stores and he did great!! He never lost his cool.

I woke up this morning just knowing he was going to be in a bad mood. Nope! We slept in, got up and he has been cracking jokes and been happy!! I know he is doing good when he likes to make me laugh.

Just praising Jesus for two great days!!!!

Christmas Day

Well I think we had a pretty good Christmas day. R woke up at 4 this morning with a migraine, he slept in his chair until I woke him up a little after 7 when the kids got up. He helped put their toys together, get their devices going and chilled in his man cave.

He did start to get worked up before my family got to our house, and of course I fed off of that, but as soon as my family got to our house I calmed down. He stood back while we all watched the kids open gifts, but did try. My friend Cherry call durring all this fun, she wished us a Merry Christmas and asked how R was, I told her not so good, she said" well you still have a very merry Christmas, enjoy the day". I did, I made sure to check on R but shook off my worry and enjoyed my wonderful family!

R did good, stayed in his man cave, family would go in and out to visit him. At one point papa, daddy and R were all watching and laughing hysterically at the show Ridiculousness . Mom and dad stayed after others left, we all watched a movie. I can say the day has ended better than expected.

He still had a hard day, but did well with what he had.

Good vs. Bad

Well I am still writing, just not as often. We're busy this crazy season, plus some of this stuff is becoming more of our "normal" so I just don't have to write as much.

There is something I haven't dealt with much until bipolar came along, mixed emotions. I am pretty cut and dry. I'm usually only one emotion at a time kinda girl, and most of the time it's happy and positive.

You all know since R is still trying to get his meds straightened out he is referred to as "dr. Jekle and mr Hyde". I married him because I love him. When R is having a hard day and "the hulk" is in I don't like him at all. Then there is that love that's still there and I fight with in my self to get through these episodes. Not fun feeling this way.

On a good note, on my first day off for Christmas break, R agreed to go eat lunch out. Thank goodness there wasn't many at the restaurant , b/c although he came with us, he said little and kept his head down the whole time. He did great! He made it through the whole meal. Kenndra and I are very proud of him!

Please pray for him going into next week. We have Christmas at his moms and then my family is coming to our house Christmas day. I pray it's all enjoyable to him.

Merry Christmas from the Downs family!!!

"I'm still a guy"

Funny title, huh? You'll understand better in just a minute...

Today was a great day! My dad and I took a concealed weapons class today. I got to shoot a gun, look at guns and now I know what kind of gun I wanna buy! I have found something cool that my dad and I can share an interest in.

After a great morning, I was able to help my happy husband work on his car. It went great! While helping hold up his very heavy hood, a song came on called "I'm still a guy". I just watched him work and thought, " I'm glad your a guy". He is hard working, super smart and doesn't mind getting dirty.

Today was just a fun day! R has had a good day, I've had a good day. It's a great day!!

Credit due

Well I wouldn't be living true to my reason for having this blog if I didn't give glory to God for his provisions.

With R not working, he is working on getting better, I am able to bring in what I can. But God knows just what we need and when we need it. On one occasion I had gone to the doctor and I just knew it cost an arm and leg, when I checked out I had a credit I had no idea was on my account and it only cost me $12 to get out!!

Christmas is just around the corner and we knew God had something in store, but had no idea just how wonderful a plan He had. Our wonderful Sunday school class took up an offering and gave us money for the kids gifts!!

I am attending a great function for the church I work for, I hadn't paid for my ticket yet, when my boss gave me my ticket she told me it was taken care of!

I serve an amazing God who time and time again meets our needs. It's a humbling place to be, but what better way to meet Jesus where we are. I am always reminded that God may have placed R to provide for us, but while He is busy healing him, He continues to remind us He is our provider in good and hard times!

"God is God, and I am man, I will never fully  understand. For only God is God Great is the Lord, holy holy!" Steven Curtis Chapman

Medication...

Well R is still on two of his meds, but after seeing the doctor he is also on two more.

I know that the medication, in the right dosages works great. But for those of you who don't know or live with a bipolar, switching or adding to his meds is very time consuming process! So he is on two more meds and off of an old one, which causes with draws, so right now the new meds only make him sleepy , it'll take two weeks for them to kick in and he is feeling yucky and has a headache from the withdraws. So the poor guy is asleep right now.

Over all he is doing good. His attitude is much better and he is fun to be around. He is still struggling with his very strong social phobia but is working hard to get better. His therapist said he was doing it the right way by taking his time and only what he can handle. I am so proud of his progress!!

2 In a row!!

That's right folks! R has been to church with me two Sundays in a row!! God is so good. Last Sunday he sat in our pastors office, this Sunday he made a small step forward, he sat in the sound booth durring the service. I am so very proud of my man.

R decided last week that he was gonna face this social phobia in the face! He isn't going to let the devil get the best of him, or bring him down further! I see real progress in his attitude. He is ready to step up his game. I know this is and will always be a work in progress, but to see him taking a hold of his disease and wanting more is so refreshing!!! My God is so good!

Obsession

I haven't written in a while, but I haven't forgotten that I need to blog. Just been crazy busy/lazy.

I know several post ago I told you how R had traded his truck for a really, really old car. Well that car has turned into his new obsession. It's all he talks and thinks about. When he's at his moms durring the week it's his focus. Now at one point today when I was thinking of a title I just almost put "mistress", but thought that might be a little tacky and misleading.

So last night I was trying really hard to watch my tv show on my iPad and trying to catch up on all the ones I was behind on. I was in my zone, and all R kept on talking about was all he was going to do to this car. I started to get a little aggravated then I stopped and thought, this is his "job" right now. This is what he does all day. I talk about my coworkers, and kids so this is what he talks about right now. I am thankful that he is talking at all.

He is doing ok. I haven't blogged on a daily basis in a while but day to day has gotten better. We went 3 days in a row that were good, had a pretty rough two days and had a great day today!! We worked on his car, my car and cleaned the garage today. There was no outburst of anger, no major highs or lows. He was funny, sweet and a joy to be around. I relish these days and try to remember them on the hard days.

So I guess the car is a nessasary evil at this point. It keeps him busy and out of the house. God is good and shows me light when I need it the most!

Not fair

I know I have a lot to be thankful for today. I got to spend time with my wonderful family, there is never a bad time with them. I learned a new card game from Emma and my mother in law. Heck I had the option to eat twice today, I chose only to eat one turkey meal, but I still had the option. I know there are people out there that don't even have one of those choices.

That all being said now I can gripe. Its not fair that R didn't go to my family thanksgiving! I am mad, I don't know where to place my anger. I want to blame him, for not trying, I want to blame his family because they got him and we didn't, I want to blame this stupid disease! But I really can't lay blame any where. It's just not fair. He has had a few good days, where he is funny and fun to be with. Today not so much. He was kinda hit and miss.

He and AJ tried to hunt this moring, with no avail. He is dying to kill a deer. I wish he would get one. Kinda be fun! I haven't blogged in a while and when I do I tend to gripe, but darn it this is my public diary and I can gripe! It feels better to get it out. He had a ok morning, he asked me to pray for him b/c he was having some anxiety, and I did. I did get my hopes up that maybe he'd come with me to my sister. I set my self up for that one, to be upset with my self. I know right now that we have to take one day at a time, and I also know that this is the only thanksgivng he has ever missed with me. We'll get through this. I just had to stomp my foot and throw my fit. I feel ok now. I can't hold on to my bitterness. Just another struggle in the disease we call bipolar!

something funny

Things have been going ok. I will take ok any day of the week. Steady and ok.

R woke up today with a great attitude! He said " today will be a day with no incedents". Which mean even if he was angry he was going to try to control him self as much as possible. He did great today! He and Emma sanded some blocks for our preschool and he worked of his car.

We got home this afternoon, still in an ok mood. He took a little snooz and helped fix/fry dinner. He made me laugh, talked and gave the kids a hard time. I have seen what my man should be like. It has been so refreshing.

Now we are watching one of our favorite funny movies, quoting the lines and both of us laughing! I love it. We are enjoying each others company and relaxing. Thank you Jesus for a good day! I love laughing!

Same ol, same ol

I haven't blogged much, just because it's the same thing. We have had a rough couple of days. Granted they are "better", up from where we've come from.

R's cycles are very rapid right now. What that means, is that he is having mood changes about every hour. This isn't what normal should be for him. When his meds get adjusted right, he'll still have deep moods, but they will be shorter and farther between. So I guess when he goes back to the doctor he'll get his meds readjusted.

I describe it like living with a teenage girl. I am not making fun of him, it's just the best way to tell others what his moods are like. I never from one minute to the next what mood he'll be in. I talked with him this morning he was so sweet, by the time I picked him up that afternoon, he was grouchy. We were fixing dinner and he was quiet and very "sad", by the time we sat down to eat, I could see his mood change, he started talking more and his face lit up. So weird to see it all change.

So we hope his meds will be adjusted soon. He is tired of all these emotions running through him. It physically and emotionally draining to him.

Something different

Normally I'd be writing about my sweet husband. Tonight I thought I'd write about a few other special men in my life. Being on how this is a "thankful" month and all.

I don't know how, it could be the cheesy sence of humor my dad and I share, but Kenndra and I got on the subject of my daddy, aka Grandad. I got to thinking I'm a pretty lucky girl. I happen to have the best dad in the world! No he's never been perfect, but he has always been loving and kind. K and I just got to thinking how funny he is. He has THE cheesiest sence of humor, heck he breaks out into song over puppy love, but darn if I didn't get that from him. He is a godly man who is honest and hard working. He really helped me to understand how I should be treated. Thankfully R has treated me great and been very close to my sweet dad.

This also got me to thinking about another special man, my grandad, whom I only knew for 16 short years. In that time and in just the past few years, I have learned so much about him. He was kind, patient, loving and a man of his word. My daddy embodies my grandad.

I am blessed with wonderful men in my life. R, my dad, papa, grandad and countless others. Most ladies can't say that. I am thankful God saw fit to show me, in many men, what a MAN, is and looks and acts like. I know this will bring tears to my momma's eye, she is one lady who knows where I'm coming from. Blessed!!

A great gift!

Today is my birthday! I have always had good days on my birthdays. I have a great family who makes me feel special. This year was a little better!!

We were getting ready for church this morning and R was running to wal mart before the kids and I left to go to church. He had something he wanted me to give our friend Cherry and he really wanted to get it before I left. He got home just in time for me to leave. Gave me my funny birthday card and something that means more than any other gift I have gotten my entire life! To some it may not sound like much but to me and those who know this disease or are close to us will really appreciate what he did.

Rickey gave me my card and told me he was going to try church this morning for my birthday!!! It touched my heart! He hasn't been able to deal with lots of people and has social phobia, so he hasn't been many public places or been to church in over six weeks!! I was an emotional basket case to say the least.

He was nervous, he felt like he was going to have a heart attack and had a hard time breathing, all for me. He went into the church, went straight to a "safe" place, to our friend Bro Mack's office. Now he didn't come out of that office until church was about over but he came with me! He was able to see some people. I understand better what he is really dealing with.

I have a hard time understanding social phobia just because I have really never had to deal with it until now. To see  what I know as a strong man, be so weak with fear, it's hard for me to understand. I really get what a gift he gave me today. I won't soon forget it. He spent nearly a month working him self up to doing this for me. It may be another six weeks before he can do it again but boy am I proud of him!

Social phobias should never be taken lightly. Thay should be worked on, not letting the person hide away because they can't handel people. Just give these people a chance and encourage them, give them support and they'll make their way! Rickey is trying and for that I am so very proud of him. There is one step forward.

Getting better...

Well it's an irony that I am writing this at this particular time. Things are getting  but at this point in the day, there is an angry streak going.

Good stuff first. Yes, things are getting better! It's been a week of new med dosages and I can tell more of difference. He is kidding with me, being more motivated and seem to focus more on the good, more. He also feels anger coming on and removes him self from us or if the feeling isn't too bad does some deep breathing.  He is remembering he needs to take his meds, which is huge!

The not so good. He is still fighting anger!! It's not nearly as often, but darn it, it's still here. Take today, it's AJ's birthday and we're having a family party at papa and grandmas. All week he's been talking about trying to go. He was in a great mood until mid-afternoon and anger hit. He tried to work it out, but it just got the best of him. I took him down to his moms. So he won't be with us tonight:( It's bitter sweet, we'll miss him so much but I'll be more relaxed b/c I won't worry about how he's feeling and if he needs to go.

On the drive to his moms he really held his negative feels in, was kind to the babies. That's a plus. This is a very long process, it's gonna take time to get him adjusted. He and I both are learning how to work through this.

Contacts

I know that I am still receiving blessings durring this "storm".  I see new things every day.

Through out this process I have been sharing how others have suffered at the hand of bipolar.  As I talked with a new friend on Facebook yesterday, I became so thankful for the "new" people in my life. I say new just because I may have known who they are but really hadn't gotten to know them until now.

The new friend I talked to yesterday struggles with some of the  same issues in my life, but the wonderful part is the fact she sets her focous on Jesus!! I love the people  in my life who may have their weeknesses or hurts, but still hold fast the the promises the Lord has given us! I just can't imagine a life with no savior. Sure I would still have family and friends but no hope, no joy. Joy in my salvation keeps my head above water. For those of you who may not know Jesus, joy isn't happiness, it's more! It's what keeps me going.

A song we used to sing in one of our churches, this line I love, " this joy that I have the world didn't give it to me, oh this joy that I have the world didn't give it to me , you see the world didn't give it to me and the world can't take it away!!"

I really ment to talk about all the new contacts I have, got side tracked. One thing we all have in common is Jesus!

It hurts

Not gonna lie, my skin has never been real "thick", I wear my heart on my sleeve. So when R is have a angry day it hurts. I try not to do things out of anger, but when someone is throwing that out at you that's your natural reaction to throw it right back.

We tend to take things out on those that are closest to us, "normal" people included. I think spouses tend to get the butt end of things more often than not. R is having a beyond mean kind of night. I am trying to toughen up for these times b/c he tends to get pretty mean. Now you need to know he never physically hurts anyone but words still hurt.

I love him and try to let things roll off my back, but I'll be glad when he can better control him self. Praying for that day to come soon!

So God has been working on grace and understanding on my part. Not just so I can understand R but also practice this every where.

For mom

My mom knows just about everything about me, knows what goes on in my life any given day. Still she wants me to write a blog! So this is for my mom. Silly as she is, I love her and try to make her happy.

All I can really give you is an update on how my sweet man is. He is doing ok. Taking a day at a time and sometimes an hour at a time. He is on a new dosage of meds, for the most part they are really helping, making him very sleepy at times, like now, as I write he is snoring. His anger is subsiding, some, it may spike every once and a while, but he is able to better control it.

He is home, thank goodness, I really miss his company when he is gone. I am thankful for his mom, she has allowed him to stay at her house during this craziness and loved and supported him. He has a new project to work on, a 1954 old car something or other. He traded his uncle and got this car, that'll keep his mind busy for a while.

I did take him to wal mart last night and got to see first hand the social anxiety he is suffering with at this time. We ran into some church family and as he talked with him you could physically see the panic in his eyes. So public outings are at a minimum at this time. His cycles are coming faster and leaving as fast. That is good and bad, he just needs to find that happy medium.

Please pray for us, he is unable to work right now and will be filing for disability until he can get better. We hope this will work it's self out and meet our needs in the money department. Also pray that he can get though the meeting thursday, lots of people make him panic. I just pray that thursday is a good day.

We are finding our new "normal" and understanding what that will hold for us as a family. Good thing is, we love each other and we have the Lord on our side!

Faith

Through out all of this new learning, besides my hope that R will reach a healthy mind, is that this will all glorify God.

Now I am not sure if my actions always point to Jesus but I like to think I have relied on Him. My faith in the Lord is something I have always been thankful for. Now my walk with the Lord is ever growing but He continues to use my life as He sees fit.

I have felt Jesus walking with me every step of the way. It doesn't mean that I haven't asked him why. I do know He has been there every step of the way.

Today R had a deep encounter with God. He feels like things are in Gods hands and He is in control. I love it when the Father reveals Him self to my husband! There is nothing sweeter than when the Lord speaks to those you love. He has refreshed my man!!

R is still on a mood roller coaster, but he even feels like meds are working. Please pray they are and pray for Dr. Thompson, that he will keep R's best interest at heart!!

The have and have nots

Well another lesson learned today. Yesterday R's doctor did up his meds yesterday. Once again I am very impressed with doctor Thompson. He just cares. We both came away from the appointment refreshed.

Today R got up took the two little ones to get a donut and head to his moms. My plan was to meet my mom there and ride with her to help with some projects for church. By the time I got down to my mother in laws mr Hyde came out. R was fuming and I wouldn't leave the kids with him.

I was hurt, I had plans to spend a few hours today with the "girls". We all know R can't help the cycles of his mood. So once again I am reminded even if I like things planned, our lives are very unpredictable.

So we all made the most of it. Kids played and I got to mulch leaves on a riding lawn mower. That may not sound like much fun to you all but I have never drove a mower, just pushed one, so it was fun to me!!

I am so thankful for R's mom. She loves him, allows him to stay with her while he adjust. Needless to say, he is back at her house until this next round gets in his system. His finger is doing ok. I pray that maybe this new dosage is "the one". The dosage that levels him.

No life apart

I'll explain my title in a minute. Right now I gotta explain the rest of the day.

R came home a few days ago, to stay. He is doing ok, getting better. I can see the meds starting to do some good. He did have a manic "high" today. Not a high on drugs, he was hyper and pretty happy. He had his frustrations, but got through. While working on cooling down he helped his mom with some outside house work. While doing that work, he sawed his pinky finger almost in two! Needless to say his sweet mom got him to go to the ER. He sliced through the tendons so the Dr would not stitch it, said he needed to get the tendons fixed. We don't have insurance, so we came home and did what R does best! We super glued the sucker! He is in some pain tonight, and also coming down from his mania, so it may be a rough Friday for my sweet man.

Now I was blessed enough to go to see Chris Tomlin tonight. It was a great time of worship. One song really stuck out and a line from that song sunk in, "there's no life apart from You!!" I am so thankful for my relationship with Jesus. I can't imagine walking this road with Rickey without our faith. I still have joy because I know who goes before me, and who stands behind me!!

Do pray for R's dr appointment Friday, I imagine the meds will be getting adjusted.

Cause and effect

I think both Rickey and I realized that this illness is have huge effects in our lives and in the lives of others.

I've  really noticed in the last week some of those effects. Emma has started having some tummy problems and family and I think it's her bodys way of dealing with stress. Of course AJ and Kenndra tend to act out with attitude. Today R really noticed that it was all streaming from his illness. It hurts him so much, but sometimes in our lives things we can't help effect our lives and the lives of our loved ones. I try to explain it to him, but being in the state he is in, it's hard for him to accept that it's not his fault, he can not help this disease.  What he doesn't see, is that yes he is away from us right now, but because of that he is also protecting the kids from unwanted harm.

Yes there are countless negatives to dealing with this disease, but the way I look at things there are also some great things to come from this entire situation. I have not ever been the most involved of moms but durring this time, the kids and I are growing much closer.  I also have never been the independent of ladies, I am all for women's equality , but in my own life I have always enjoyed boys doing boys work and me doing just what I can to get by. Rickey is a super hard worker, well durring this time I have had to really step up my game drag my lazy self up by the boot straps. I have also realized how hard I want to work for my marriage!! I love my husband with every fiber of my being and nothing changes that.

My sweet family has also been effected but I have seen nothing but love and support for Rickey and I. I am truly amazed by the sincere love they have for Rickey.

This to shall pass, not fast enough but it will pass. We'll come out stronger!!

Showers of blessings!!

I am baptist, you can tell by some of my titles. Hymns pop in my head from time to time. Today just happen to be that kinda day.

I am always so grateful for the people and the places God has put in our lives. When a burden arises God never fails to have someone in our church family meet our needs. A wonderful couple in our lives met such a need today, a huge burden was lifted from us. We never want to take atvanage of our loved ones, and sometimes I still feel that way when we are given such generouse kindness.

Through out our married life R and I have been blessed beyond measure with loving people who give us a helping hand. We were given a new washer and dryer early on, a car or two and several times money. The Lord has always placed such giving people in our lives. We really hope we can give to as richly as we've been blessed. I am not saying this to boast, I want others to see how God provides!

One area that more meaningful to me is the blessing of those who hurt when we hurt. I never in my life want my loved ones to hurt, but we have those who dont wallow with us but almost just have kindred feelings. My mom is one of those, no magic words, but kindness and a listening ear. I was talking with my friend Cherry today, and she and I were both in tears, we have no idea why God is allowing all this "stuff" to happen, but she didn't question Him, but was feeling the same things I was, like she took my hand and walked beside me in loving support. Kind of pulling me, with out pushing me through. I love being in the family of God. If you are in the right place,He is faithful to give those loving people in your life who can be His hands and feet, to wrap their loving arms around you.

Looking on back on a lot of things Rickey and I have been through, I don't think I would change a thing! Only because we have some life long "family" I wouldn't trade for "better" days. Thank you to all my blessings in the form of our loved ones.

Multiple personalities

Yep! At this time in our lives both R and I have multiple personalities.  Its not only R any more.

With Rickey coming off an old set at meds to a new set and the doctor not knowing what his levels are going to be he is still struggling with deep moods. Last night he stayed at the house with the kids and I and he was quiet and somewhat calm. I dropped him off at his moms this morning and when I came back a few hours later he was so very angry. He looks like there's nothing in his eyes and he has nothing but hate in his body. It still hurts, but I also know he's not working right yet.

Me, well when R hits his mood highs and lows, I hit a new way of life for me. For those that know me, I'm not much of a cleaner. Well I deep clean when he is in his dark place. I don't when he is sad or "normal", it's funny that only do it when he's angry!

My feelings are better and sometimes still on my sleeve. I am slowly learning to take things with a grain of salt. I have always been an emotionally driven person but with all of R's emotions I am changing my ways.  I wonder how long God is going to take us through this journey ?

Getting real

Well yesterday I had posted that I like to think of myself as an honest, open person. So before rumors get started or worry sets in there is some information I want to share.

R is staying at his moms right now, he has been for about 5 days. He is struggling with his moods right now. Coming off the old meds and starting new ones have been harder on him than first expected. We both came to the understanding that in order to protect our marriage and our kids from unnecessary hurt he would stay with her while he gets adjusted.

He is starting to struggle more with his anger and that's something that's never really been an issue before. He hasn't hurt anyone but it spikes at the drop of a hat. The more I read about bipolar the more I see that it's a very unpredictable disease.

I respect the fact that R wants to protect us, but it hasn't been easy not having him at home. I miss him. It also makes me thankful for those little things I love about him. I am willing to do what ever necessary to get my man healthy!!

I share things with you, not for your pitty, but for prayer and for you to see Gods glory when things change or get better!!

Apologies

Something my mom and I have been talking about, is letting those around us in on some information. I may have touched on R's need for seclusion and being withdrawn. It got me to thinking.

I have decided to write up a sheet for our loved ones who don't know much about bipolar, about R's illness. When I was thinking what i'd write up I wanted all of them and you that read this to know something. When my sweet man is in his dark place he doesn't like to talk or do anything. So I don't want you all to have your feelings hurt. I am in the process of learning this my self.  If you call, write or even see him and he isn't his happy, talkative self, or when you ask him to join in or do something and he doesn't respond or agree to something, please understand its not you, he is dealing with his disease and it causes him to act different.

If you have questions it's ok to ask us/me. I like to think that I am open and honest. If you "hear" something and you need a straight answer or if the kids say something and want to make sure you heard right. It's ok to ask. That's how we learn! I like to go straight to the source rather than getting what might not be the truth.

We love you all and thank you for your love. You may not always understand, but you still support us. Thank you!!

Episodes and grace

Well this weekend was a doosey of a weekend. Probably the hardest one so far.  R was in a deep pit and I honestly didn't think he was coming out. My goal is never to embarrass R so  the actions that drove him to this low are not important(we worked through them) but the grace that got us through is a gift.

R was switched to new meds and this a first for us so I think it played a part in that darkness, I truly had little hope of any good coming from this. Boy was I wrong!

We are yet again working through another lesson, and because of Gods mighty grace we are coming out of rough waters. I really learned what the power of prayer can do. My parents, R's mom, my entire church family, friends and co-workers we on their knees before our Lord. I have no doubt it's because of the deep,meaningful prayers R and I stand today. I have learned to hold my tongue and to wait for the Lords timing to speak and sometimes even breath.

I guess, silly me, yet again my eyes see what I couldn't before. I know R and I are surrounded by wonderful Christian people who not only intererceed for us but offer very sound advice. Some choices are very hard to make, but I am glad we can learn from them.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!!!! We live to love another day.

Strength

You know that saying "God doesn't call the qualified He qualifies the called". Well I have believed that to be true. In the past I have always just related that to "church stuff", like teaching sunday school, teaching youth, going on mission trips. Now though, I know it goes way beyond that.

Then there is the ye old saying " God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I really don't like that one. Through these ups and downs we've been going through, I have heard from very close people in my life that I am a strong woman. Blah! I know in the darkness R and I are walking through I feel like the weakest link. At any minute I will fall apart and turn to dust, but then a little "light" hits and we're back out of the darkness.

This time it's really dark, like you can't see your hand in front of your face dark. Well you all may not know whats going on, but you all know something is going on and things are rough. I have found not only God giving only what I can handle but also He is in the process of qualifying me! Things are very tough right now and that hurts, but I have a promise that I have my sweet Jesus walking beside me and yes sometimes carrying me, but I know He is here.

I have found my sense of peace through my Prince of Peace. R and I both have very loving support and they are here for us. I have a good attitude not only for my self but more importantly for our three beautiful babies who are great!

We need prayer and that is something that makes more of a difference than you will ever know. All I ask is that if you are telling us you are praying for us, please do. It's no comfort to me if you are not following through. My God is mighty and I know He has great plans for our family. I don't know that plan and darn it that bugs me! But I am holding fast to Him and doing what He ask of me and I know He'll do the rest!

Thank you for all your support. Thank you to my family and also to Rickey's because we couldn't do much with out you. Our mom's are amazing! Also to our friends who stand by and don't judge but back us up and use love, true hands and feet of Jesus!!

No work for the weary...

No I didn't get that phrase wrong. Thats whats going on here now at the Downs home. The new meds R is on make him realllllllllllly sleeeepy! So much so he went to bed a little after 10 and didn't get up till 11am the next day. If you know my man he isn't much of a sleeper. He was up for about 3 hours took his next dose of meds and was talking like a drunk by the time I got home this afternoon.


On another note, he can't not work until this is all figured out. The doctor does want him on a temp disability until he is stable and better. He is ok with it, he'd love to be healthy so he can enjoy working again.

Not much but sleep going on today. I think I'm catching it, I have been so sleepy today.

A silver lining...

Well we saw R's new doctor today. We waited over an hour to see him, and my scepticism grew. I was proved very wrong! Dr T sat down asked R questions, listened to him answer and really talked with him before making any choices. When he was done with questions he sat back told R he hadn't been on a high enough dose to make a difference in his symptoms. Hints the reason he has been spiraling down hill the last month or more!

R is on a new set of meds, Dr T said he will have a good quality of life, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. He thinks R is a very strong man for being able to take all his dealt with bipolar wise and didn't try anything before march. I and R both feel better already, just a better outlook.

We know he'll still have episodes and we're not  forgetting that but we know things can be better and we feel it's finally in sight.

On another note, a very sweet friend from work brought me a book that helped her when her family member went through her tough time. My friend said it really helped her understand the illness better. So I warn you I will be writing about what I learn. I have already learned some in the first few chapters. So get ready!

Refreshing!

Yes I can say after yesterday today was refreshing! I stayed home today to go to a doctors appointment with R. We spent the day together,he was able to see his therapist and really get some things lined out.

Yes we do have some serious choices to be made. No he may not be able to hold a job down for a while and thats ok, we can make money later after he has focused on his health.

He received a new diagnosis today, bipolar 1. His therapist thinks he was misdiagnosed and feels his condition is a little more serious than first thought.

The good stuff today out weighs all that! He made me laugh allot today, we smiled with each other today. He kidded with our kids, played around. I got to enjoy my day with him. I have soaked this all in, usually when a great mood like this hits, tomorrow will be harder.

Do pray for us as we make some choices and he will be having his meds adjusted, and that in its self is going to be hard.

I am happy today, I have enjoyed this great time!

Count YOUR blessings

When I write my blog I try to use digression so that no one gets hurt. Now I am always honest but R still needs some privacy so when I write to tell you our life and times please don't think I am being secretive but protecting my family. That being said, here's todays thoughts.


The hymn "Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done..." Keeps running through my head and I think thats God's way reminding me that we may be in a pit but there is still good in our lives.

R had a very hard day, so much so he couldn't even go to work. At first you and I think "whats so bad you can't go to work?" When R and I talked yesterday he said it gets so bad it's not just in his head, but it physically hurtful.

I have a great friend, Mr B, who I told you has been though this with a family member. I needed a place to go and vent yesterday and Mr B was kind enough to meet with me and listen. He and Kim(his soon to be wife and my second mom) were kind enough to listen and draw from their own back grounds to give me insight so that I can better understand R and kinda give me a loving push to keep loving and encouraging R.

Kim has a family member who also struggles with bipolar and she pulls from the childs standpoint, she helps me see that our kids deal with this just like we do. I never want any one to experience this and I know God allows it so that we can be there for others. Thats why while R has a therapist I am thankful for Mr B and Kim and others who have had to go through this and can walk us though.

I titled this blog count YOUR blessings, well I wanted you to look at the good you have in your life, be thankful for not only what you have but what you don't. I sit back this morning and I am thankful that my husband isn't knocking on deaths door, that he is faithful, that my kids don't have life threatening illnesses, that they are really good kids who listen. Right now I can't see the "bright side" but I can be thankful still for those things I have and that I don't have.

Hind sight...things

I couldn't pick my title so I used both! I have a little funny for you all. Just a little something to throw in before I head to bed.

People say that hind sight is 20/20. Well seeing things through a bipolars eyes I get more now. So now I move on to explain "things".

If you know Rickey and I well you know we've moved 15 times in 13 years of marriage and had more cars than we can count!

Today is just one of those example days, no we're not moving(thank goodness). R had a jeep he really liked but he sold it! Story of our life.

We don't pay too much for cars but he is sure to turn a profit. I got a giggle out of today b/c I realized that I am grateful that he may buy and sell cars but he hasn't gotten rid of me! Thank you Jesus. He likes to kid that everything is for sale except for the wife and kids.

Bipolars are know to be impulsive. My husband is, as well as others in my family. He loves cars and loves to get them but loves to sell them just as much. Granted allot of the time it's to help us out but still it's a come and go kinda game.

So today I just did a look back at all he has bought , but also been willing to sell and I am just glad he keeps me around!

Learning acceptance

Well yesterday I was at a prayer retreat. I had lots of questions but one of my main questions isn't just for God it's also for any one who can answer it! I have even asked Rickey, who can't even answer it.

I like to think that I treat Rickey the way I would want to be treated if I suffered this illness. So my question, where is the line? You know the line to know when to push him and get him out of his rut and that time when I need to step back and give him his space. If you ask him in a moment of low he will tell you to leave him alone and don't worry about it.

I do worry! We were going to go to a friends church this morning but with the anxiety his is having now, he doesn't want to be around people. When do I push? I am not used to this person and people try to understand but they can't wrap their minds around it either.

I do need to say that after last nights post, R said "it sounds like your life sucks right now". Well yes it kinda does but I also want you all to know, I love our sweet moments and I am still married to my best friend and I wouldn't want to go through this with ANY one else. I know has a awesome reason and I may not understand and I also know there are people losing their spouses to death, I am thankful I still have my husband. I don't want anyone to think that our life stinks all the time. I just tend to get all the nasty stuff out on my blog, it's like my public diary. Just saying!

So anyway, I am learning to accept some of this and I think it helps me keep my sanity.

Prayers

Today was an eye opening day. We hosted at church a ladies prayer retreat. We would cover certain verses then would disperse and pray and this went on for 8 hours. It was emotionally taxing!! When you plan on meeting with Jesus for a specific reason, plan on learning a few things!

The whole time I was there our situation was on my mind. Questions would spin during my personal prayer time. I would ask, " what good is going to come out of this?", " why did You choose Rickey to go through this?" "what lessons can be learned and help us to learn them fast and get out of this pit!"

Well God didn't necessarily answer the above questions but I felt His loving presence not only directly through Him but also through the ladies I was with today. I am not my "normal" self right now and they were loving and encouraging.

This illness doesn't just affect R it very much reaches to not only us, his family, but also extended family and our church family. It breaks my heart to hear others tell me they know exactly what I am going through b/c I wouldn't want any one to walk this road.

It's not a good day for R today. I came home to him in the "man cave" watching tv in the dark. On the plus side he did get out and drive around which is good , he has got to get out and try. He did.

Well heres to another busy weekend! Hopes and prayers that next week is good!

Really?!?!

Ok. You know how I told you at the very beginning that I don't like surprises? Well I hate the unknown. Today was one of those days when being a psychic would be great!

R woke up with a "down" attitude, it was raining cats and dogs today and so on and so forth. Work went pretty well and Kenndra and I even prayed that the rain would hold off until I dropped her off at school, and the Lord answered prayer. I have yet to figure out how to not let R's feelings dictate my day. But when you marry your best friend and "become one" it's hard not to let his feelings spill over into mine. I live my day with a knot in my stomach. It's not his fault, I want him to be honest with me, and I am here to listen to me when he needs me. Sometimes it doesn't over whelm me, sometimes. My poor man was on his way to the doctor to fill out paper work and he ran out of gas, walked in the rain to go get the gas and ran out of time before he could make it to the doctor. Those are the kind of thing you and me would get down about but get over, unfortunately for him it darkens the day even more.

I am happy so far with his therapist, she called today and checked to see if he was able to fill out his paper work and to see how he was doing. Very kind lady!

Kids were fighting today, I think the weather dictates their attitude too. Went to get my nails done as soon as R got home only to chip one while fixing dinner! Just those little things that really tick me off! Tomorrow is a prayer retreat at church I am looking forward to that, having time to just talk to my Jesus is gonna help. Heres to a day ending and and new one to begin tomorrow!!!

just another day!

Today is a good day. It's almost friday and we've all had good attitudes! Even my pre-teen. Not much going on today. Rickey had counseling today for the first time. He thinks it's gonna be ok. Work was good for him. Mine was ok, a few fussy babies but still not to bad! I'll take it.

Not many deep thoughts running through this brain tonight. I actually cooked dinner tonight so I am just trying to simmer my self. Emma has been with her grandma since she is out of school for a few weeks so I haven't seen her, I miss that little sassy. So grateful for a mother in law who doesn't work full time and is willing to take care of my babies when she is asked if she can.

Mom texted me today around 6 asking where her blog was. I hadn't gotten to it yet b/c I was waiting till R got home and filled me on counseling and such. Don't think this one will be a tear jerker for you mom. I do have to say that I'd rather have little to say because our day was so low key and good than have to get lots of words out b/c of a bad day. Gearing up for a busy weekend.

Prayer retreat on saturday. I am so ready, the ladies are just going to have a time of deep prayer so that we can really grow. Sunday we are planning to go see R's friend Dallas preach at his church. I am looking forward to that! In the back of my mind I do worry that R will be in a low spot and he won't feel like going. So pray that he keeps this good thing going!

Another day

Well it's another day in the Downs home. Granted we were all out of the house today, work and school. It's been a good day. I have to say I am sorry. I tend to write a lot when our days are bad, but if your reading my blog you should hear just as much about our good days.

I am finding that as R gets older he is turning into a "non morning" person. I am so not a morning person, never have been. So I am learning to not base my day on morning attitudes. That being said I like to send R off to work and talk to him at 9 before I make a choice on  how his day is going. Today is good. He made me laugh today, I know he is ok when he makes me laugh.

He goes to counseling tomorrow. I am so curious to know how it's gonna go. He is willing and ready to go, I am sure he will be a little nervous tomorrow but lift prayers that he will stay strong and go to his appointment.

We have church tonight. I teach the kids. I know we'll have fun. I kinda like staying busy. The older I get the more I like staying busy and since I am busy when I have down days I make sure I do nothing! I am know to be lazy and I am darn good at it!

Isn't it funny sometimes we can be something and not know it? We ordered Autism awareness t-shirts from AJ's teacher a few weeks ago and they came in. AJ brought them home today and is very proud of them. He asked to me read what was on the front and I did. I don't think it's ever come out of my mouth " AJ you have autism". I choked up and he just went about what he was doing with out a hitch. Our son is the most amazing boy I know. I had my doubt(if I a being honest) when he was younger. We couldn't go out and do anything but church b/c he always had a hard time understanding his boundaries and wasn't potty trained until he was 5. My God has allowed him to make so many leaps and bounds in the last 5 years and God has protected and guided him into this wonderful kid who we enjoy being around. He is a daddy's boy through and through. Loves cars and working hard with R. I think he is a help to R where some of us can't be. There is a special bond there created for both of their good.

On the brighter side

I am a die hard optimist, even if you can't tell by reading this blog. So I got to thinking, again, last night of the good that has come out of this whole "new life".

As I was reading some of the chat rooms about bipolar I did find my self grateful that R isn't a cheater, in our relationship. Not all bipolars cheat but quite a few that were in the chat do. That is one area that is good.

The sweet moments, those are when R is feeling better and he is happy and loving are much sweeter now, I realize that I should soak in all I can. I enjoy seeing his happy smile.

I feel sometimes that I am talking about an dementia person. I thought about that last night too. I don't mean to speak that way. R is very lucid and smart and here. But the brain does cause strange things in your brain.

The support that when have seen, that is so awesome! I love the people that are in our lives. We a blessed!

Not so promising...

Good news, I'm home for two days with Emma since she is out of school. She still woke up at 5:40 this morning! I was hoping to get some quiet time in between AJ and Rickey leaving and getting the girls up to take K in to school. If you know Emma there is never a slow moment once her feet hit the floor out of bed.

Yesterday was a not so good day in our home. R was down. So last night after we went to bed  I started researching a little more about bipolar. Sadly I have just taken what R has told me and not learned more my self. I didn't feel I was doing him justice or myself until I learned more.

I was reading online last night. Not my best research but still getting some understanding. None the less I was a bit discouraged by what I read. R has bipolar disorder 2. The reading I did get on it fit R to a T. I also read some forums from spouses that have said statistics are high for divorce for bipolar couples. My plan is to prove that article wrong!!

This is a hard road we're on, and we're only 6 months in. We both ask each other sometime " do you wanna stay? Do you want out?" We love each other so very much!! No we will hold on tight. One big thing I think we have in our corner is our faith in Jesus!! I know we already have a weapon! It's not a secret weapon, we want people to know how we fight!!!

I want a new job...

Well this morning I had every intention of putting in my notice as "mom".  You know those times when you feel like you have too many irons in the fire and your kids wake you up talking on their walkie talkies. That was my morning.

I have felt so over whelmed lately. I have been asking God why women have to be so busy and born natural multi-taskers. I'm making food, cleaning, helping with homework, talking on the phone and trying to keep people happy. With R's illness when he hits a low spot I end up having to run behind and picking up where he leaves off. Or if he's sick sometimes I have to fill in, such as the case this weekend, I got to help put in cabinets with Papa.

Well I kinda got put in my place today. I went to the church where I work, for services today. We do this once a year to celebrate our preschool. Pastor Mark just happened to be talking about the Proverbs 31 women. The Lord really spoke to me through his sermon. Allowing me to see first that I am his creation and He created me this way for a reason and second to bring Him glory. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my self and yes I am doing things for others, but not for the right reasons.

So here I go, a new week, a new lesson learned.

What I learned today

Oh my goodness what a day, and it's not even 6 pm yet! I will be telling about my day in chronological order. Just so I don't get confused.

First, it is cold!! Got up this morning to walk the dog and was not ready for what I felt!! Then Rickey got sick so I got elected to go help my papa put in cabinets. Thats where I learned the most today.

Went over to my grandparents this morning not sure what the day would hold. I am not a manual labor kind of girl so I was intimidated. Told them R has a stomach bug and now I am the helper for the day!!

My feelings were that I was not equipped to do something of this nature. That is so R's department. But we started any way. It was hard from the get go. Ripping up the old stuff. My papa, even as manly as he is, has had strokes and a 5 bypass done so he isn't the strong, clear minded man he used to be. So I had to do some of the harder stuff. He cut through some wiring early in the project that we still haven't got working again. We are still not done. I gotta do stuff tomorrow if R isn't better. I did learn that I can do things I didn't think I could and that I love helping my grandparents after all they have done for us. It's very gratifying to accomplish building things. Getting old scares me, because there are just things we will never be able to stop or change. It breaks my heart to see two of my very favorite people wearing down. At some points during the day I could break things he couldn't. But over all I love spending time with them and I am blessed to still have 2 grandma's(not together but on my moms side and dad's) and a wonderful papa!!!

Hears to another day!

Got to thinking

Yep it doesn't happen often but I did get my little wheels turning this afternoon. Yes most times with this blog it's about R and I but today not so much.

I was thinking about parenting. I work at a pre-school so I see and have seen my share of parents and the way they interact with their kids. Granted for the most part since my pre school is Christian based and we have parents who are in the upper middle class, where you just dont see as many problems, still it got me to thinking.

I got to watching how our parents interacted with the kids at our school and how their kids act. We are blessed to have such loving people who attend our school and how they are involved with them. When I say involved it doesn't mean that they are at our school volunteering but rather knowing what is going on and being there when they are needed.

Rickey and I came from much different back grounds so when you see us as parents it gets me b/c we really see eye to eye on alot of things. By no means are my kids perfect or well behaved. I am however very proud of the people they are. Kenndra, while becoming a teenager, is a beautiful, helpful girl who loves on just about anyone who comes into her path, AJ my sweet boy is kind and thoughtful and willing to lend a helping hand, his teachers say he displays leadership with the kids in class, Emma is my clown who loves to talk and help where she can, if she has nothing better to do. It amazes me that these three different people have some things in common. I hear from all their teachers that they are willing to lend a helping hand. I love that. I am not trying to to boast on myself or Rickey but to make a point.

I want to encourage those parents who like R and I work full time and can not take off to go to their school or to buy them and their friends lots of goodies, you can still love your kids. We show our kids love by loving on them, listening to them and correcting them. One of these days(if we like it or not) they will be adults out in the world and I don't want my kids to be burdens but rather helpers who will be there for others.

All good things...

All good things don't have to come to an end. Some good things only get better!! Now it does come with its own set of problems but these can be worked through.

My only question is this, why do things have to come to a head for them to get better? Such was my day yesterday. I know that yesterday held its problems for lots of people. All day at work I noticed things going wrong, with co-workers, kids and even all the crazy drivers. I did have a pit in my stomach for much of the day. When I got home there was my good thing in the cloak of ugliness.

Now I won't go into detail, it's not necessary. The problem was resolved but it had to get bad to get better. We all know a marriage takes lots of work and this was one of those days.

The good was that my sweet husband is ready to live a life worth great meaning. It's gonna take work and thats what his counseling is for and he and I are both excited to see some mighty changes!! We know that the road we are on isn't always going to be paved or even have signs, but we'll walk the way the Lord directs. We ended our conversation with prayer and thats the way we will begin things too!

We don't even encourage a couple to continue with a relationship with out the Lord as their center. We had lost some of that focus but hadn't forgotten that in order to stay strong and fight a good fight we both have to have Him as the center of our every move.

I've said it more than once and I'll say it again, I love my husband more than any thing in this world and our love for each other and for God will get us through anything!!!!! No if's, and's or but's about it!!! I am so grateful for our love for one another.

just one day

Just one day, thats all I want. One day with no hiccups. One smooth day where I can breath easy, and not worry about this or that. Not even just R and his illness but my babies and their health and well being. Or my co-workers and their lives. Alas thats not possible life is life. I can sit and wish all I want but it will never happen until we are in heaven!

Darn! Come on. I think if you know me I am not a whiner, but this is one place I am whine and cry and boo hoo and get away with it. Life just stinks sometimes and I have to learn how to pick my self up and try to look at all the positive. I want to see the positive every day! Just sitting here and writing all my feelings out makes me feel better. This makes me look at my life and be grateful. My kids are healthy(except Emma who has a headache), my husband and I have jobs, we have a wonderful house with plenty of room, and landlords who have been so patient with us when we've been with out money and gave us understanding, a husband who loves me and is happy (most of the time) to come home to me. I have a wonderful family who loves and supports just about anything we choose to do.

Thank you Jesus for your blessings. I am sorry for when I choose to slap you in the face by complaining about what I don't have. Please help me to learn my lesson so that I can be happy with my blessings. Most of all thank you for my salvation that gives me the best blessing of all!!

Thank you Lord for a brand new day!

It's a good few days! R is having a good day and so am I! I am soaking it up while I can. R can't go to the dr until next monday but it's ok. Its funny how in these times you really learn how to roll with the punches.

My mom and dad(aka safety blanket) are going out of town for a few days. Thats just another way God is drawing me to Him. I know I won't always have people in my life to turn to, not even my sweet husband or parents. I am continually reminded of that. If only I would learn my lesson the first time!

Thank you for all your prayers. We know that there will be good and bad but at least we have each other. I wouldn't want it any other way!

blessings

In the midst of all this crazy business God really allowed me to see some of my richer blessings. R was having a hard morning so he did not come to church. Our church family is very sensitive to the needs of others and today was a day when they saw a need in me. I had several who asked how R was and I broke down several times, I feel a bit at whits end. Needless to say I was thankful to have listening ears today. It always feels good to get feelings out. I am not one to suppress.

I am ever so grateful for my momma and daddy. My sweet parents are never far away. They are always willing to be there and do what ever is needed. I am allot like my mom, I am a listening ear, and I wish I had magic words for those who are hurting, my mom is the same way. I love it though b/c that's just what I need. She always rubs my arm or back and just nods her head. I know she is there for me and my family. My dad is funny, I am equally like him, in tough situations he gets aggravated and stressed and wants to fix the problem asap! His magic words are "dadgumit!!" I always laugh when he gets that word out. No matter the good or bad we are blessed with my mom and dad.

I am suffering from a caffeine headache today so I may tend to ramble and not make sense, I am sorry for that. Cleanse is going good, we are on day 3 and the food thing is going ok. I did want a donut so bad this morning and my Sunday school class didn't even eat any! So I brought them home for the kids and R said"lets cut one in half and share it, no one will know", I said "no way!" We will make it through the next few days. I am feeling better other than the headache and I think R is doing good. He really loves the veggie chips. I am just glad there are things he likes to eat, to keep him on going to feeling better.

Prayers please. R does go to the Dr Monday and I am praying that he will tell the Dr all he needs to know and that the Dr will know where to go from here.

He's baaaaaaack

Well kinda back. I wanted to title it this way because it's funny! Any way. My Rickey is on his way back. After the 7 days we've had I am so ready. He woke up early this morning with a very bad headache, caused from no caffeine. I rolled out of bed a few hours later. He caved and had to drink something with caffeine which I didn't gripe about, I like to pick my battles and I'd much rather have an ungrouchy husband.

We did a lot of rearranging of the "man cave" today. He did some rewiring for his speakers which required him to climb into the attic (I'm not even thinking it was worth the effort) and he worked through that. Then we had to move the couches around, he cleaned and put up some posters! I'm tired from just telling you all about it. The good news is, R wouldn't have done that earlier in the week, and he kept his mind (and me) super busy!

So here's the not so good part. We had a fun church function today and normally (or in the past) R would jump at going. This time he had to work him self up into going , and when we went he was pretty much a wall flower. I am so glad he went with me but so sad to see the man I love so out of sorts. He is someone who loves to talk and be in the middle of everything, but even over the last year that has changed. When we got into the car he was fine again. We talked and he opened up a bit more to me. I am not sure if the men in your life do this but R tends to hold information until he wants to share it. He was telling me that his dr told him that this is a long process, they have pretty much reset his brain with the meds he is on and this will seem like he is a new born, learning how to readjust to life knowing you are bipolar and how to deal. "Baby steps", he tells me. Then he tells me that he sometimes has a hard time leaving the house, but he does for me. Ouch! I am very proud that he'd do that but at the same time he's scared. He described how his social anxiety is like for him, he said to picture your self naked in front of our church family and you can't move. How would you feel? Me? Um, naked? A little scary!!

I have a hard time when he doesn't go places with me. He is my security blanket. But with all this "stuff" he likes to stay home more. I am trying to be kind and understand but sometimes it's so hard. He has always been by my side and when he's not a little piece feels like it's missing. I know I am lucky to have a christian husband, who does go to church with me and is a great daddy, but those times he bows out kills me! I have got to stand back and look at the bigger picture. He is getting better, we can tell  when times are hard, he will be better one of these days. Mr B tells me there will always be hard days, that has helped me love the good ones and stay calm through the bad b/c I know good days are ahead.

I'm positive

Well I tend to think of my self as a positive person, but reading this blog and listening to my self the last few days I am sounding more like Rickey who is mr. pessimistic. Moving on.

Our day was just as "craptastic" as the week has been. R was better sad wise but a little over whelmed. I had some of the same feeling going to wal mart with all the stupid rude people there and then getting gas I tripped over something and fell in front of crazy busy gas station people! Ahhhh!! Can someone point me to the light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing that we started today was a cleanse that a friend got me to do. Rickey, Paulette and I are eating nothing but fruits, veggies and water(give or take a little). We can not have meat, dairy,gluten, sugar, caffeine or alcohol. So that has been a fun way to start the weekend. I have done it before so I know what to expect and some is good and some is not. Poor Paulette is already missing her caffeine. She told me she may just go to bed at 8 tonight! It's only for a week. We'll see how it goes.


Well here's to a "it's gotta be better" weekend. Pray that R is feeling better and I will continue to support him.

Why him?

Do you ever ( i am sure you have, everyone has) asked yourself the question "why me?" Today it's not me I ask it for its for Rickey.

It's another one of those days. Today after I talked with him I just sat and wondered why the Lord   chose Rickey to walk this path. I know that we will not have answers to questions like this until we see Jesus face to face, but sometimes I just wonder why. Yes I know it's to help others with problems of the same sort or to have others help us and the best part to point others to Christ. Just on a day to day level its sometimes so hard to see someone you love walk in this valley  alone. I can be there for him and I can give him all the support I can but still can't help him. I am thankful that this is not cancer or a deadly illness but in my little world it's equivalent to me.

On another point my friend Paulette was talking to me about some one who told her that if bipolar is misdiagnosed and they put them on meds for bipolar it can cause suicidal thoughts. So of course my brain starts racing to the thought that he was misdiagnosed but then I have to trust the doctor he is under to take good care of my man. Yes as scary as the thought is, with Rickey's chemical imbalance those thoughts come to his mind. Thankfully he is good at talking things out and seeking help. Thank you Jesus!

For those that know me and Rickey you know that I know no greater, good looking, sweet talking man than my baby! We have a very close bond that I thank the Lord for daily and I think He allows us to help us get through. With all our trials that is one thing that has never wavered was our love for one another. Yes we may tease each other from time to time about having a boyfriend/girlfriend but that is one area we have never struggled. I write this b/c this is a blessing that gets me through when hard times hit. As I write this I realize this is a silver lining in a cloudy day.

This blogging thing really is a great way to get feelings out. Feel free to comment my facebook friends, I love the feed back. Even on R's illness.

this is how we end our day

Ok! Much better ending to the night than I anticipated. It was a "craptastic" day according to R but not so bad. It was the starter on his Jeep. He got it fixed. We didn't get to go to church, that's sad, but okay. Now we will be finishing the movie Avengers and putting kids to bed. I count my blessings. Today my blessings are Rickey, Kenndra, AJ, and Emma and sometimes Jasper if he doesn't pee in the floor!

the title says it all

When I write this I don't want any one to misunderstand me. Rickey is the one who suffers from this illness I am the one on the side lines. My view is from a spouse, who walks this path with him.

Now, you know how I titled my blog, the roller coaster? That's so true! Take today as an example. Let me back up. Yesterday was a great day! R was in a great mood. He could face anything. Today, new surprises.

Rickey left the house in a less than pleasant mood. I hadn't heard from him, which is unusual, we talk all the time. I get a call sometime after noon and all he tells me is that I need to call the sonic by his work b/c his Jeep is broke down and I need to make sure that its okay for it to stay there until he gets off work. So my thought is that this is not a good day for him. He sometimes lets situations get the best of him, just like we all do, but I think I tend to amplify it b/c of his struggles. So needless to say I will not here from him until he gets off work, so I don't know what he is going through. One plus is that he is a mechanic and knows all about cars. So I know he can fix his Jeep we just don't know what it is or how much this is gonna cost us. Remember I HATE surprises. If the Jeep is gonna break down it's gotta tell me.

Its funny how R may be going through this illness but God is teaching me right along with him. I may not like the lessons but I try to learn and move on. Going through the same thing over and over again is not my idea of fun just to get His point. One thing I am learning is to think before I speak. I have never been good at this. So when problems or arguments arise I tend just to spout off. That is one "trigger" that gets to R. So needless to say that is something God is working on. He'll tap me on my shoulder and remind me that words make and break people. Words are as harsh if not worse that sticks and stones.

One neat thing that R and I do now when we get a chance, after the kids have gone to bed, we go sit out on the deck and we like to open up and have a time where we lay things on the table and get honest with each other, if something is bothering us we lay it out there and talk it through. Its so refreshing. Plus I love sitting and talking with my man!

Well we'll see how the rest of our day unfolds. May I be supportive and loving, and may the Jeep be cheap to fix!!!

more to tell

I have very scattered thoughts. So if you are reading this I hope my point gets across. Sorry if it doesn't.

Through out this new process, we have had nothing but love and support. We were never really worried that there would be a stigma to this illness. So many advances have been made in this area that there is a new out look for those on the outside, including me. People will come up to Rickey and I told us how they have dealt with this issue in one way or another and how they coped with it.

That being said Rickey still goes through some very low days. Even on meds there are some "dips" that he still has. The last three days have been some of those days. When you think bipolar you sometimes think anger, but not for Rickey. Much of the time my social butterfly will draw into him self and will be very quiet and sometimes very sad. So when these days hit, it catches me off guard, just like it does to him.

I am blessed when he goes through this that I have those I can talk to. One of the biggest blessings has been in the way of a new friend named Barton. He is marring a family friend of mine,Kim. He dealt with this, with a family member of his own and he is always willing to listen and offer up very real, and sage advice. My sweet mom is more that willing to listen but has a hard offering anything but words of encouragement. Mr. B pulls from his life experience and puts it like it is. He is kinda tough sometimes, but always with a kind spirit. I need that push in order to be there for my sweet husband. Its very hard to stay positive when you see someone you love going through a tough time. I do know that positivity is what my man needs in times like that.

We learn month to month just how to deal with the good and the bad. I realized today that I need to be equally grateful for those good and bad days. They are blessings in there own ways. On the bad days we tend to draw closer to each other. Most of the time after I have blown up, rolled my eyes, and let the "down" day sink in. It's not fair, but this is the hand God has dealt us and we as  family have chosen to let it all glorify Jesus. No we're not always the most gracious about it and a bit grouchy at times, but in it all we hope we point the way to Jesus.

The ups and Downs of things

If you know me you know I am not a risk taker at all. I like my "normal" more than routine life. I like for things to be even and smooth. I do not like surprises, I like to be in the "know" of all things that may involve me. So to know that you know that on a daily basis this is not how my life goes. I am married to my polar opposite. He is in fact, a live by the seat of his pants, kinda guy. Rickey loves to make life as exciting as possible. He doesn't like to plan, has no concept of time and loves with all of his being.

I wanted to start this blog as a ministry and an outlet. I have seen from friends and family how this has been therapeutic and helpful. I have also learned alot about the people I love through reading their thoughts and feelings.

That being said, this is my outlet on dealing with a new area of my life with my husband. I am married to a newly diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive man. We are both learning a lot from this new part of our life. Understand please that I will use this as and outlet for my feelings and stories of our day to day life, but know    this is new to both of us and we don't know all about this area of illness.

I met Rickey 17 years ago in high school. He is a very handsome man, with beautiful blue eyes and an awesome smile. We dated all through high school and got married a year after I graduated. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids. We love each other very much, thank goodness, our love for each other is what keeps us going so much of the time. We love our kids with all our hearts, but know that if we don't invest in each other we are not doing our kids a bit of good. So we work really hard on our relationship and spend tons of time together, its what we do and who we are.

In March of 2012 Rickey went through one of the worst days of his life. He called me at whits end, not knowing what to do or where to go. Through talking and prayer and lots of help from family and friends we took him and admitted him to a behavioral (mental) hospital. He stayed there for the longest 5 days of our lives. There he received his diagnosis and some very good life long lessons on how to cope with his new illness. After that he was put on meds to help with his chemical imbalance. He sees his doctor once a month and has his meds adjusted if need be.

This blog is mostly for me to talk out his highs and lows and also to help those who need understanding into his life. I was prompted to write this after wanting a place to blow off steam and wanted others to understand  a little bit more into the life a bipolar man.