Not fair

I know I have a lot to be thankful for today. I got to spend time with my wonderful family, there is never a bad time with them. I learned a new card game from Emma and my mother in law. Heck I had the option to eat twice today, I chose only to eat one turkey meal, but I still had the option. I know there are people out there that don't even have one of those choices.

That all being said now I can gripe. Its not fair that R didn't go to my family thanksgiving! I am mad, I don't know where to place my anger. I want to blame him, for not trying, I want to blame his family because they got him and we didn't, I want to blame this stupid disease! But I really can't lay blame any where. It's just not fair. He has had a few good days, where he is funny and fun to be with. Today not so much. He was kinda hit and miss.

He and AJ tried to hunt this moring, with no avail. He is dying to kill a deer. I wish he would get one. Kinda be fun! I haven't blogged in a while and when I do I tend to gripe, but darn it this is my public diary and I can gripe! It feels better to get it out. He had a ok morning, he asked me to pray for him b/c he was having some anxiety, and I did. I did get my hopes up that maybe he'd come with me to my sister. I set my self up for that one, to be upset with my self. I know right now that we have to take one day at a time, and I also know that this is the only thanksgivng he has ever missed with me. We'll get through this. I just had to stomp my foot and throw my fit. I feel ok now. I can't hold on to my bitterness. Just another struggle in the disease we call bipolar!

something funny

Things have been going ok. I will take ok any day of the week. Steady and ok.

R woke up today with a great attitude! He said " today will be a day with no incedents". Which mean even if he was angry he was going to try to control him self as much as possible. He did great today! He and Emma sanded some blocks for our preschool and he worked of his car.

We got home this afternoon, still in an ok mood. He took a little snooz and helped fix/fry dinner. He made me laugh, talked and gave the kids a hard time. I have seen what my man should be like. It has been so refreshing.

Now we are watching one of our favorite funny movies, quoting the lines and both of us laughing! I love it. We are enjoying each others company and relaxing. Thank you Jesus for a good day! I love laughing!

Same ol, same ol

I haven't blogged much, just because it's the same thing. We have had a rough couple of days. Granted they are "better", up from where we've come from.

R's cycles are very rapid right now. What that means, is that he is having mood changes about every hour. This isn't what normal should be for him. When his meds get adjusted right, he'll still have deep moods, but they will be shorter and farther between. So I guess when he goes back to the doctor he'll get his meds readjusted.

I describe it like living with a teenage girl. I am not making fun of him, it's just the best way to tell others what his moods are like. I never from one minute to the next what mood he'll be in. I talked with him this morning he was so sweet, by the time I picked him up that afternoon, he was grouchy. We were fixing dinner and he was quiet and very "sad", by the time we sat down to eat, I could see his mood change, he started talking more and his face lit up. So weird to see it all change.

So we hope his meds will be adjusted soon. He is tired of all these emotions running through him. It physically and emotionally draining to him.

Something different

Normally I'd be writing about my sweet husband. Tonight I thought I'd write about a few other special men in my life. Being on how this is a "thankful" month and all.

I don't know how, it could be the cheesy sence of humor my dad and I share, but Kenndra and I got on the subject of my daddy, aka Grandad. I got to thinking I'm a pretty lucky girl. I happen to have the best dad in the world! No he's never been perfect, but he has always been loving and kind. K and I just got to thinking how funny he is. He has THE cheesiest sence of humor, heck he breaks out into song over puppy love, but darn if I didn't get that from him. He is a godly man who is honest and hard working. He really helped me to understand how I should be treated. Thankfully R has treated me great and been very close to my sweet dad.

This also got me to thinking about another special man, my grandad, whom I only knew for 16 short years. In that time and in just the past few years, I have learned so much about him. He was kind, patient, loving and a man of his word. My daddy embodies my grandad.

I am blessed with wonderful men in my life. R, my dad, papa, grandad and countless others. Most ladies can't say that. I am thankful God saw fit to show me, in many men, what a MAN, is and looks and acts like. I know this will bring tears to my momma's eye, she is one lady who knows where I'm coming from. Blessed!!

A great gift!

Today is my birthday! I have always had good days on my birthdays. I have a great family who makes me feel special. This year was a little better!!

We were getting ready for church this morning and R was running to wal mart before the kids and I left to go to church. He had something he wanted me to give our friend Cherry and he really wanted to get it before I left. He got home just in time for me to leave. Gave me my funny birthday card and something that means more than any other gift I have gotten my entire life! To some it may not sound like much but to me and those who know this disease or are close to us will really appreciate what he did.

Rickey gave me my card and told me he was going to try church this morning for my birthday!!! It touched my heart! He hasn't been able to deal with lots of people and has social phobia, so he hasn't been many public places or been to church in over six weeks!! I was an emotional basket case to say the least.

He was nervous, he felt like he was going to have a heart attack and had a hard time breathing, all for me. He went into the church, went straight to a "safe" place, to our friend Bro Mack's office. Now he didn't come out of that office until church was about over but he came with me! He was able to see some people. I understand better what he is really dealing with.

I have a hard time understanding social phobia just because I have really never had to deal with it until now. To see  what I know as a strong man, be so weak with fear, it's hard for me to understand. I really get what a gift he gave me today. I won't soon forget it. He spent nearly a month working him self up to doing this for me. It may be another six weeks before he can do it again but boy am I proud of him!

Social phobias should never be taken lightly. Thay should be worked on, not letting the person hide away because they can't handel people. Just give these people a chance and encourage them, give them support and they'll make their way! Rickey is trying and for that I am so very proud of him. There is one step forward.

Getting better...

Well it's an irony that I am writing this at this particular time. Things are getting  but at this point in the day, there is an angry streak going.

Good stuff first. Yes, things are getting better! It's been a week of new med dosages and I can tell more of difference. He is kidding with me, being more motivated and seem to focus more on the good, more. He also feels anger coming on and removes him self from us or if the feeling isn't too bad does some deep breathing.  He is remembering he needs to take his meds, which is huge!

The not so good. He is still fighting anger!! It's not nearly as often, but darn it, it's still here. Take today, it's AJ's birthday and we're having a family party at papa and grandmas. All week he's been talking about trying to go. He was in a great mood until mid-afternoon and anger hit. He tried to work it out, but it just got the best of him. I took him down to his moms. So he won't be with us tonight:( It's bitter sweet, we'll miss him so much but I'll be more relaxed b/c I won't worry about how he's feeling and if he needs to go.

On the drive to his moms he really held his negative feels in, was kind to the babies. That's a plus. This is a very long process, it's gonna take time to get him adjusted. He and I both are learning how to work through this.

Contacts

I know that I am still receiving blessings durring this "storm".  I see new things every day.

Through out this process I have been sharing how others have suffered at the hand of bipolar.  As I talked with a new friend on Facebook yesterday, I became so thankful for the "new" people in my life. I say new just because I may have known who they are but really hadn't gotten to know them until now.

The new friend I talked to yesterday struggles with some of the  same issues in my life, but the wonderful part is the fact she sets her focous on Jesus!! I love the people  in my life who may have their weeknesses or hurts, but still hold fast the the promises the Lord has given us! I just can't imagine a life with no savior. Sure I would still have family and friends but no hope, no joy. Joy in my salvation keeps my head above water. For those of you who may not know Jesus, joy isn't happiness, it's more! It's what keeps me going.

A song we used to sing in one of our churches, this line I love, " this joy that I have the world didn't give it to me, oh this joy that I have the world didn't give it to me , you see the world didn't give it to me and the world can't take it away!!"

I really ment to talk about all the new contacts I have, got side tracked. One thing we all have in common is Jesus!

It hurts

Not gonna lie, my skin has never been real "thick", I wear my heart on my sleeve. So when R is have a angry day it hurts. I try not to do things out of anger, but when someone is throwing that out at you that's your natural reaction to throw it right back.

We tend to take things out on those that are closest to us, "normal" people included. I think spouses tend to get the butt end of things more often than not. R is having a beyond mean kind of night. I am trying to toughen up for these times b/c he tends to get pretty mean. Now you need to know he never physically hurts anyone but words still hurt.

I love him and try to let things roll off my back, but I'll be glad when he can better control him self. Praying for that day to come soon!

So God has been working on grace and understanding on my part. Not just so I can understand R but also practice this every where.

For mom

My mom knows just about everything about me, knows what goes on in my life any given day. Still she wants me to write a blog! So this is for my mom. Silly as she is, I love her and try to make her happy.

All I can really give you is an update on how my sweet man is. He is doing ok. Taking a day at a time and sometimes an hour at a time. He is on a new dosage of meds, for the most part they are really helping, making him very sleepy at times, like now, as I write he is snoring. His anger is subsiding, some, it may spike every once and a while, but he is able to better control it.

He is home, thank goodness, I really miss his company when he is gone. I am thankful for his mom, she has allowed him to stay at her house during this craziness and loved and supported him. He has a new project to work on, a 1954 old car something or other. He traded his uncle and got this car, that'll keep his mind busy for a while.

I did take him to wal mart last night and got to see first hand the social anxiety he is suffering with at this time. We ran into some church family and as he talked with him you could physically see the panic in his eyes. So public outings are at a minimum at this time. His cycles are coming faster and leaving as fast. That is good and bad, he just needs to find that happy medium.

Please pray for us, he is unable to work right now and will be filing for disability until he can get better. We hope this will work it's self out and meet our needs in the money department. Also pray that he can get though the meeting thursday, lots of people make him panic. I just pray that thursday is a good day.

We are finding our new "normal" and understanding what that will hold for us as a family. Good thing is, we love each other and we have the Lord on our side!

Faith

Through out all of this new learning, besides my hope that R will reach a healthy mind, is that this will all glorify God.

Now I am not sure if my actions always point to Jesus but I like to think I have relied on Him. My faith in the Lord is something I have always been thankful for. Now my walk with the Lord is ever growing but He continues to use my life as He sees fit.

I have felt Jesus walking with me every step of the way. It doesn't mean that I haven't asked him why. I do know He has been there every step of the way.

Today R had a deep encounter with God. He feels like things are in Gods hands and He is in control. I love it when the Father reveals Him self to my husband! There is nothing sweeter than when the Lord speaks to those you love. He has refreshed my man!!

R is still on a mood roller coaster, but he even feels like meds are working. Please pray they are and pray for Dr. Thompson, that he will keep R's best interest at heart!!

The have and have nots

Well another lesson learned today. Yesterday R's doctor did up his meds yesterday. Once again I am very impressed with doctor Thompson. He just cares. We both came away from the appointment refreshed.

Today R got up took the two little ones to get a donut and head to his moms. My plan was to meet my mom there and ride with her to help with some projects for church. By the time I got down to my mother in laws mr Hyde came out. R was fuming and I wouldn't leave the kids with him.

I was hurt, I had plans to spend a few hours today with the "girls". We all know R can't help the cycles of his mood. So once again I am reminded even if I like things planned, our lives are very unpredictable.

So we all made the most of it. Kids played and I got to mulch leaves on a riding lawn mower. That may not sound like much fun to you all but I have never drove a mower, just pushed one, so it was fun to me!!

I am so thankful for R's mom. She loves him, allows him to stay with her while he adjust. Needless to say, he is back at her house until this next round gets in his system. His finger is doing ok. I pray that maybe this new dosage is "the one". The dosage that levels him.

No life apart

I'll explain my title in a minute. Right now I gotta explain the rest of the day.

R came home a few days ago, to stay. He is doing ok, getting better. I can see the meds starting to do some good. He did have a manic "high" today. Not a high on drugs, he was hyper and pretty happy. He had his frustrations, but got through. While working on cooling down he helped his mom with some outside house work. While doing that work, he sawed his pinky finger almost in two! Needless to say his sweet mom got him to go to the ER. He sliced through the tendons so the Dr would not stitch it, said he needed to get the tendons fixed. We don't have insurance, so we came home and did what R does best! We super glued the sucker! He is in some pain tonight, and also coming down from his mania, so it may be a rough Friday for my sweet man.

Now I was blessed enough to go to see Chris Tomlin tonight. It was a great time of worship. One song really stuck out and a line from that song sunk in, "there's no life apart from You!!" I am so thankful for my relationship with Jesus. I can't imagine walking this road with Rickey without our faith. I still have joy because I know who goes before me, and who stands behind me!!

Do pray for R's dr appointment Friday, I imagine the meds will be getting adjusted.