blessings

In the midst of all this crazy business God really allowed me to see some of my richer blessings. R was having a hard morning so he did not come to church. Our church family is very sensitive to the needs of others and today was a day when they saw a need in me. I had several who asked how R was and I broke down several times, I feel a bit at whits end. Needless to say I was thankful to have listening ears today. It always feels good to get feelings out. I am not one to suppress.

I am ever so grateful for my momma and daddy. My sweet parents are never far away. They are always willing to be there and do what ever is needed. I am allot like my mom, I am a listening ear, and I wish I had magic words for those who are hurting, my mom is the same way. I love it though b/c that's just what I need. She always rubs my arm or back and just nods her head. I know she is there for me and my family. My dad is funny, I am equally like him, in tough situations he gets aggravated and stressed and wants to fix the problem asap! His magic words are "dadgumit!!" I always laugh when he gets that word out. No matter the good or bad we are blessed with my mom and dad.

I am suffering from a caffeine headache today so I may tend to ramble and not make sense, I am sorry for that. Cleanse is going good, we are on day 3 and the food thing is going ok. I did want a donut so bad this morning and my Sunday school class didn't even eat any! So I brought them home for the kids and R said"lets cut one in half and share it, no one will know", I said "no way!" We will make it through the next few days. I am feeling better other than the headache and I think R is doing good. He really loves the veggie chips. I am just glad there are things he likes to eat, to keep him on going to feeling better.

Prayers please. R does go to the Dr Monday and I am praying that he will tell the Dr all he needs to know and that the Dr will know where to go from here.

He's baaaaaaack

Well kinda back. I wanted to title it this way because it's funny! Any way. My Rickey is on his way back. After the 7 days we've had I am so ready. He woke up early this morning with a very bad headache, caused from no caffeine. I rolled out of bed a few hours later. He caved and had to drink something with caffeine which I didn't gripe about, I like to pick my battles and I'd much rather have an ungrouchy husband.

We did a lot of rearranging of the "man cave" today. He did some rewiring for his speakers which required him to climb into the attic (I'm not even thinking it was worth the effort) and he worked through that. Then we had to move the couches around, he cleaned and put up some posters! I'm tired from just telling you all about it. The good news is, R wouldn't have done that earlier in the week, and he kept his mind (and me) super busy!

So here's the not so good part. We had a fun church function today and normally (or in the past) R would jump at going. This time he had to work him self up into going , and when we went he was pretty much a wall flower. I am so glad he went with me but so sad to see the man I love so out of sorts. He is someone who loves to talk and be in the middle of everything, but even over the last year that has changed. When we got into the car he was fine again. We talked and he opened up a bit more to me. I am not sure if the men in your life do this but R tends to hold information until he wants to share it. He was telling me that his dr told him that this is a long process, they have pretty much reset his brain with the meds he is on and this will seem like he is a new born, learning how to readjust to life knowing you are bipolar and how to deal. "Baby steps", he tells me. Then he tells me that he sometimes has a hard time leaving the house, but he does for me. Ouch! I am very proud that he'd do that but at the same time he's scared. He described how his social anxiety is like for him, he said to picture your self naked in front of our church family and you can't move. How would you feel? Me? Um, naked? A little scary!!

I have a hard time when he doesn't go places with me. He is my security blanket. But with all this "stuff" he likes to stay home more. I am trying to be kind and understand but sometimes it's so hard. He has always been by my side and when he's not a little piece feels like it's missing. I know I am lucky to have a christian husband, who does go to church with me and is a great daddy, but those times he bows out kills me! I have got to stand back and look at the bigger picture. He is getting better, we can tell  when times are hard, he will be better one of these days. Mr B tells me there will always be hard days, that has helped me love the good ones and stay calm through the bad b/c I know good days are ahead.

I'm positive

Well I tend to think of my self as a positive person, but reading this blog and listening to my self the last few days I am sounding more like Rickey who is mr. pessimistic. Moving on.

Our day was just as "craptastic" as the week has been. R was better sad wise but a little over whelmed. I had some of the same feeling going to wal mart with all the stupid rude people there and then getting gas I tripped over something and fell in front of crazy busy gas station people! Ahhhh!! Can someone point me to the light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing that we started today was a cleanse that a friend got me to do. Rickey, Paulette and I are eating nothing but fruits, veggies and water(give or take a little). We can not have meat, dairy,gluten, sugar, caffeine or alcohol. So that has been a fun way to start the weekend. I have done it before so I know what to expect and some is good and some is not. Poor Paulette is already missing her caffeine. She told me she may just go to bed at 8 tonight! It's only for a week. We'll see how it goes.


Well here's to a "it's gotta be better" weekend. Pray that R is feeling better and I will continue to support him.

Why him?

Do you ever ( i am sure you have, everyone has) asked yourself the question "why me?" Today it's not me I ask it for its for Rickey.

It's another one of those days. Today after I talked with him I just sat and wondered why the Lord   chose Rickey to walk this path. I know that we will not have answers to questions like this until we see Jesus face to face, but sometimes I just wonder why. Yes I know it's to help others with problems of the same sort or to have others help us and the best part to point others to Christ. Just on a day to day level its sometimes so hard to see someone you love walk in this valley  alone. I can be there for him and I can give him all the support I can but still can't help him. I am thankful that this is not cancer or a deadly illness but in my little world it's equivalent to me.

On another point my friend Paulette was talking to me about some one who told her that if bipolar is misdiagnosed and they put them on meds for bipolar it can cause suicidal thoughts. So of course my brain starts racing to the thought that he was misdiagnosed but then I have to trust the doctor he is under to take good care of my man. Yes as scary as the thought is, with Rickey's chemical imbalance those thoughts come to his mind. Thankfully he is good at talking things out and seeking help. Thank you Jesus!

For those that know me and Rickey you know that I know no greater, good looking, sweet talking man than my baby! We have a very close bond that I thank the Lord for daily and I think He allows us to help us get through. With all our trials that is one thing that has never wavered was our love for one another. Yes we may tease each other from time to time about having a boyfriend/girlfriend but that is one area we have never struggled. I write this b/c this is a blessing that gets me through when hard times hit. As I write this I realize this is a silver lining in a cloudy day.

This blogging thing really is a great way to get feelings out. Feel free to comment my facebook friends, I love the feed back. Even on R's illness.

this is how we end our day

Ok! Much better ending to the night than I anticipated. It was a "craptastic" day according to R but not so bad. It was the starter on his Jeep. He got it fixed. We didn't get to go to church, that's sad, but okay. Now we will be finishing the movie Avengers and putting kids to bed. I count my blessings. Today my blessings are Rickey, Kenndra, AJ, and Emma and sometimes Jasper if he doesn't pee in the floor!

the title says it all

When I write this I don't want any one to misunderstand me. Rickey is the one who suffers from this illness I am the one on the side lines. My view is from a spouse, who walks this path with him.

Now, you know how I titled my blog, the roller coaster? That's so true! Take today as an example. Let me back up. Yesterday was a great day! R was in a great mood. He could face anything. Today, new surprises.

Rickey left the house in a less than pleasant mood. I hadn't heard from him, which is unusual, we talk all the time. I get a call sometime after noon and all he tells me is that I need to call the sonic by his work b/c his Jeep is broke down and I need to make sure that its okay for it to stay there until he gets off work. So my thought is that this is not a good day for him. He sometimes lets situations get the best of him, just like we all do, but I think I tend to amplify it b/c of his struggles. So needless to say I will not here from him until he gets off work, so I don't know what he is going through. One plus is that he is a mechanic and knows all about cars. So I know he can fix his Jeep we just don't know what it is or how much this is gonna cost us. Remember I HATE surprises. If the Jeep is gonna break down it's gotta tell me.

Its funny how R may be going through this illness but God is teaching me right along with him. I may not like the lessons but I try to learn and move on. Going through the same thing over and over again is not my idea of fun just to get His point. One thing I am learning is to think before I speak. I have never been good at this. So when problems or arguments arise I tend just to spout off. That is one "trigger" that gets to R. So needless to say that is something God is working on. He'll tap me on my shoulder and remind me that words make and break people. Words are as harsh if not worse that sticks and stones.

One neat thing that R and I do now when we get a chance, after the kids have gone to bed, we go sit out on the deck and we like to open up and have a time where we lay things on the table and get honest with each other, if something is bothering us we lay it out there and talk it through. Its so refreshing. Plus I love sitting and talking with my man!

Well we'll see how the rest of our day unfolds. May I be supportive and loving, and may the Jeep be cheap to fix!!!

more to tell

I have very scattered thoughts. So if you are reading this I hope my point gets across. Sorry if it doesn't.

Through out this new process, we have had nothing but love and support. We were never really worried that there would be a stigma to this illness. So many advances have been made in this area that there is a new out look for those on the outside, including me. People will come up to Rickey and I told us how they have dealt with this issue in one way or another and how they coped with it.

That being said Rickey still goes through some very low days. Even on meds there are some "dips" that he still has. The last three days have been some of those days. When you think bipolar you sometimes think anger, but not for Rickey. Much of the time my social butterfly will draw into him self and will be very quiet and sometimes very sad. So when these days hit, it catches me off guard, just like it does to him.

I am blessed when he goes through this that I have those I can talk to. One of the biggest blessings has been in the way of a new friend named Barton. He is marring a family friend of mine,Kim. He dealt with this, with a family member of his own and he is always willing to listen and offer up very real, and sage advice. My sweet mom is more that willing to listen but has a hard offering anything but words of encouragement. Mr. B pulls from his life experience and puts it like it is. He is kinda tough sometimes, but always with a kind spirit. I need that push in order to be there for my sweet husband. Its very hard to stay positive when you see someone you love going through a tough time. I do know that positivity is what my man needs in times like that.

We learn month to month just how to deal with the good and the bad. I realized today that I need to be equally grateful for those good and bad days. They are blessings in there own ways. On the bad days we tend to draw closer to each other. Most of the time after I have blown up, rolled my eyes, and let the "down" day sink in. It's not fair, but this is the hand God has dealt us and we as  family have chosen to let it all glorify Jesus. No we're not always the most gracious about it and a bit grouchy at times, but in it all we hope we point the way to Jesus.

The ups and Downs of things

If you know me you know I am not a risk taker at all. I like my "normal" more than routine life. I like for things to be even and smooth. I do not like surprises, I like to be in the "know" of all things that may involve me. So to know that you know that on a daily basis this is not how my life goes. I am married to my polar opposite. He is in fact, a live by the seat of his pants, kinda guy. Rickey loves to make life as exciting as possible. He doesn't like to plan, has no concept of time and loves with all of his being.

I wanted to start this blog as a ministry and an outlet. I have seen from friends and family how this has been therapeutic and helpful. I have also learned alot about the people I love through reading their thoughts and feelings.

That being said, this is my outlet on dealing with a new area of my life with my husband. I am married to a newly diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive man. We are both learning a lot from this new part of our life. Understand please that I will use this as and outlet for my feelings and stories of our day to day life, but know    this is new to both of us and we don't know all about this area of illness.

I met Rickey 17 years ago in high school. He is a very handsome man, with beautiful blue eyes and an awesome smile. We dated all through high school and got married a year after I graduated. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids. We love each other very much, thank goodness, our love for each other is what keeps us going so much of the time. We love our kids with all our hearts, but know that if we don't invest in each other we are not doing our kids a bit of good. So we work really hard on our relationship and spend tons of time together, its what we do and who we are.

In March of 2012 Rickey went through one of the worst days of his life. He called me at whits end, not knowing what to do or where to go. Through talking and prayer and lots of help from family and friends we took him and admitted him to a behavioral (mental) hospital. He stayed there for the longest 5 days of our lives. There he received his diagnosis and some very good life long lessons on how to cope with his new illness. After that he was put on meds to help with his chemical imbalance. He sees his doctor once a month and has his meds adjusted if need be.

This blog is mostly for me to talk out his highs and lows and also to help those who need understanding into his life. I was prompted to write this after wanting a place to blow off steam and wanted others to understand  a little bit more into the life a bipolar man.