Cause and effect

I think both Rickey and I realized that this illness is have huge effects in our lives and in the lives of others.

I've  really noticed in the last week some of those effects. Emma has started having some tummy problems and family and I think it's her bodys way of dealing with stress. Of course AJ and Kenndra tend to act out with attitude. Today R really noticed that it was all streaming from his illness. It hurts him so much, but sometimes in our lives things we can't help effect our lives and the lives of our loved ones. I try to explain it to him, but being in the state he is in, it's hard for him to accept that it's not his fault, he can not help this disease.  What he doesn't see, is that yes he is away from us right now, but because of that he is also protecting the kids from unwanted harm.

Yes there are countless negatives to dealing with this disease, but the way I look at things there are also some great things to come from this entire situation. I have not ever been the most involved of moms but durring this time, the kids and I are growing much closer.  I also have never been the independent of ladies, I am all for women's equality , but in my own life I have always enjoyed boys doing boys work and me doing just what I can to get by. Rickey is a super hard worker, well durring this time I have had to really step up my game drag my lazy self up by the boot straps. I have also realized how hard I want to work for my marriage!! I love my husband with every fiber of my being and nothing changes that.

My sweet family has also been effected but I have seen nothing but love and support for Rickey and I. I am truly amazed by the sincere love they have for Rickey.

This to shall pass, not fast enough but it will pass. We'll come out stronger!!

Showers of blessings!!

I am baptist, you can tell by some of my titles. Hymns pop in my head from time to time. Today just happen to be that kinda day.

I am always so grateful for the people and the places God has put in our lives. When a burden arises God never fails to have someone in our church family meet our needs. A wonderful couple in our lives met such a need today, a huge burden was lifted from us. We never want to take atvanage of our loved ones, and sometimes I still feel that way when we are given such generouse kindness.

Through out our married life R and I have been blessed beyond measure with loving people who give us a helping hand. We were given a new washer and dryer early on, a car or two and several times money. The Lord has always placed such giving people in our lives. We really hope we can give to as richly as we've been blessed. I am not saying this to boast, I want others to see how God provides!

One area that more meaningful to me is the blessing of those who hurt when we hurt. I never in my life want my loved ones to hurt, but we have those who dont wallow with us but almost just have kindred feelings. My mom is one of those, no magic words, but kindness and a listening ear. I was talking with my friend Cherry today, and she and I were both in tears, we have no idea why God is allowing all this "stuff" to happen, but she didn't question Him, but was feeling the same things I was, like she took my hand and walked beside me in loving support. Kind of pulling me, with out pushing me through. I love being in the family of God. If you are in the right place,He is faithful to give those loving people in your life who can be His hands and feet, to wrap their loving arms around you.

Looking on back on a lot of things Rickey and I have been through, I don't think I would change a thing! Only because we have some life long "family" I wouldn't trade for "better" days. Thank you to all my blessings in the form of our loved ones.

Multiple personalities

Yep! At this time in our lives both R and I have multiple personalities.  Its not only R any more.

With Rickey coming off an old set at meds to a new set and the doctor not knowing what his levels are going to be he is still struggling with deep moods. Last night he stayed at the house with the kids and I and he was quiet and somewhat calm. I dropped him off at his moms this morning and when I came back a few hours later he was so very angry. He looks like there's nothing in his eyes and he has nothing but hate in his body. It still hurts, but I also know he's not working right yet.

Me, well when R hits his mood highs and lows, I hit a new way of life for me. For those that know me, I'm not much of a cleaner. Well I deep clean when he is in his dark place. I don't when he is sad or "normal", it's funny that only do it when he's angry!

My feelings are better and sometimes still on my sleeve. I am slowly learning to take things with a grain of salt. I have always been an emotionally driven person but with all of R's emotions I am changing my ways.  I wonder how long God is going to take us through this journey ?

Getting real

Well yesterday I had posted that I like to think of myself as an honest, open person. So before rumors get started or worry sets in there is some information I want to share.

R is staying at his moms right now, he has been for about 5 days. He is struggling with his moods right now. Coming off the old meds and starting new ones have been harder on him than first expected. We both came to the understanding that in order to protect our marriage and our kids from unnecessary hurt he would stay with her while he gets adjusted.

He is starting to struggle more with his anger and that's something that's never really been an issue before. He hasn't hurt anyone but it spikes at the drop of a hat. The more I read about bipolar the more I see that it's a very unpredictable disease.

I respect the fact that R wants to protect us, but it hasn't been easy not having him at home. I miss him. It also makes me thankful for those little things I love about him. I am willing to do what ever necessary to get my man healthy!!

I share things with you, not for your pitty, but for prayer and for you to see Gods glory when things change or get better!!

Apologies

Something my mom and I have been talking about, is letting those around us in on some information. I may have touched on R's need for seclusion and being withdrawn. It got me to thinking.

I have decided to write up a sheet for our loved ones who don't know much about bipolar, about R's illness. When I was thinking what i'd write up I wanted all of them and you that read this to know something. When my sweet man is in his dark place he doesn't like to talk or do anything. So I don't want you all to have your feelings hurt. I am in the process of learning this my self.  If you call, write or even see him and he isn't his happy, talkative self, or when you ask him to join in or do something and he doesn't respond or agree to something, please understand its not you, he is dealing with his disease and it causes him to act different.

If you have questions it's ok to ask us/me. I like to think that I am open and honest. If you "hear" something and you need a straight answer or if the kids say something and want to make sure you heard right. It's ok to ask. That's how we learn! I like to go straight to the source rather than getting what might not be the truth.

We love you all and thank you for your love. You may not always understand, but you still support us. Thank you!!

Episodes and grace

Well this weekend was a doosey of a weekend. Probably the hardest one so far.  R was in a deep pit and I honestly didn't think he was coming out. My goal is never to embarrass R so  the actions that drove him to this low are not important(we worked through them) but the grace that got us through is a gift.

R was switched to new meds and this a first for us so I think it played a part in that darkness, I truly had little hope of any good coming from this. Boy was I wrong!

We are yet again working through another lesson, and because of Gods mighty grace we are coming out of rough waters. I really learned what the power of prayer can do. My parents, R's mom, my entire church family, friends and co-workers we on their knees before our Lord. I have no doubt it's because of the deep,meaningful prayers R and I stand today. I have learned to hold my tongue and to wait for the Lords timing to speak and sometimes even breath.

I guess, silly me, yet again my eyes see what I couldn't before. I know R and I are surrounded by wonderful Christian people who not only intererceed for us but offer very sound advice. Some choices are very hard to make, but I am glad we can learn from them.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!!!! We live to love another day.

Strength

You know that saying "God doesn't call the qualified He qualifies the called". Well I have believed that to be true. In the past I have always just related that to "church stuff", like teaching sunday school, teaching youth, going on mission trips. Now though, I know it goes way beyond that.

Then there is the ye old saying " God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I really don't like that one. Through these ups and downs we've been going through, I have heard from very close people in my life that I am a strong woman. Blah! I know in the darkness R and I are walking through I feel like the weakest link. At any minute I will fall apart and turn to dust, but then a little "light" hits and we're back out of the darkness.

This time it's really dark, like you can't see your hand in front of your face dark. Well you all may not know whats going on, but you all know something is going on and things are rough. I have found not only God giving only what I can handle but also He is in the process of qualifying me! Things are very tough right now and that hurts, but I have a promise that I have my sweet Jesus walking beside me and yes sometimes carrying me, but I know He is here.

I have found my sense of peace through my Prince of Peace. R and I both have very loving support and they are here for us. I have a good attitude not only for my self but more importantly for our three beautiful babies who are great!

We need prayer and that is something that makes more of a difference than you will ever know. All I ask is that if you are telling us you are praying for us, please do. It's no comfort to me if you are not following through. My God is mighty and I know He has great plans for our family. I don't know that plan and darn it that bugs me! But I am holding fast to Him and doing what He ask of me and I know He'll do the rest!

Thank you for all your support. Thank you to my family and also to Rickey's because we couldn't do much with out you. Our mom's are amazing! Also to our friends who stand by and don't judge but back us up and use love, true hands and feet of Jesus!!

No work for the weary...

No I didn't get that phrase wrong. Thats whats going on here now at the Downs home. The new meds R is on make him realllllllllllly sleeeepy! So much so he went to bed a little after 10 and didn't get up till 11am the next day. If you know my man he isn't much of a sleeper. He was up for about 3 hours took his next dose of meds and was talking like a drunk by the time I got home this afternoon.


On another note, he can't not work until this is all figured out. The doctor does want him on a temp disability until he is stable and better. He is ok with it, he'd love to be healthy so he can enjoy working again.

Not much but sleep going on today. I think I'm catching it, I have been so sleepy today.

A silver lining...

Well we saw R's new doctor today. We waited over an hour to see him, and my scepticism grew. I was proved very wrong! Dr T sat down asked R questions, listened to him answer and really talked with him before making any choices. When he was done with questions he sat back told R he hadn't been on a high enough dose to make a difference in his symptoms. Hints the reason he has been spiraling down hill the last month or more!

R is on a new set of meds, Dr T said he will have a good quality of life, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. He thinks R is a very strong man for being able to take all his dealt with bipolar wise and didn't try anything before march. I and R both feel better already, just a better outlook.

We know he'll still have episodes and we're not  forgetting that but we know things can be better and we feel it's finally in sight.

On another note, a very sweet friend from work brought me a book that helped her when her family member went through her tough time. My friend said it really helped her understand the illness better. So I warn you I will be writing about what I learn. I have already learned some in the first few chapters. So get ready!

Refreshing!

Yes I can say after yesterday today was refreshing! I stayed home today to go to a doctors appointment with R. We spent the day together,he was able to see his therapist and really get some things lined out.

Yes we do have some serious choices to be made. No he may not be able to hold a job down for a while and thats ok, we can make money later after he has focused on his health.

He received a new diagnosis today, bipolar 1. His therapist thinks he was misdiagnosed and feels his condition is a little more serious than first thought.

The good stuff today out weighs all that! He made me laugh allot today, we smiled with each other today. He kidded with our kids, played around. I got to enjoy my day with him. I have soaked this all in, usually when a great mood like this hits, tomorrow will be harder.

Do pray for us as we make some choices and he will be having his meds adjusted, and that in its self is going to be hard.

I am happy today, I have enjoyed this great time!

Count YOUR blessings

When I write my blog I try to use digression so that no one gets hurt. Now I am always honest but R still needs some privacy so when I write to tell you our life and times please don't think I am being secretive but protecting my family. That being said, here's todays thoughts.


The hymn "Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done..." Keeps running through my head and I think thats God's way reminding me that we may be in a pit but there is still good in our lives.

R had a very hard day, so much so he couldn't even go to work. At first you and I think "whats so bad you can't go to work?" When R and I talked yesterday he said it gets so bad it's not just in his head, but it physically hurtful.

I have a great friend, Mr B, who I told you has been though this with a family member. I needed a place to go and vent yesterday and Mr B was kind enough to meet with me and listen. He and Kim(his soon to be wife and my second mom) were kind enough to listen and draw from their own back grounds to give me insight so that I can better understand R and kinda give me a loving push to keep loving and encouraging R.

Kim has a family member who also struggles with bipolar and she pulls from the childs standpoint, she helps me see that our kids deal with this just like we do. I never want any one to experience this and I know God allows it so that we can be there for others. Thats why while R has a therapist I am thankful for Mr B and Kim and others who have had to go through this and can walk us though.

I titled this blog count YOUR blessings, well I wanted you to look at the good you have in your life, be thankful for not only what you have but what you don't. I sit back this morning and I am thankful that my husband isn't knocking on deaths door, that he is faithful, that my kids don't have life threatening illnesses, that they are really good kids who listen. Right now I can't see the "bright side" but I can be thankful still for those things I have and that I don't have.

Hind sight...things

I couldn't pick my title so I used both! I have a little funny for you all. Just a little something to throw in before I head to bed.

People say that hind sight is 20/20. Well seeing things through a bipolars eyes I get more now. So now I move on to explain "things".

If you know Rickey and I well you know we've moved 15 times in 13 years of marriage and had more cars than we can count!

Today is just one of those example days, no we're not moving(thank goodness). R had a jeep he really liked but he sold it! Story of our life.

We don't pay too much for cars but he is sure to turn a profit. I got a giggle out of today b/c I realized that I am grateful that he may buy and sell cars but he hasn't gotten rid of me! Thank you Jesus. He likes to kid that everything is for sale except for the wife and kids.

Bipolars are know to be impulsive. My husband is, as well as others in my family. He loves cars and loves to get them but loves to sell them just as much. Granted allot of the time it's to help us out but still it's a come and go kinda game.

So today I just did a look back at all he has bought , but also been willing to sell and I am just glad he keeps me around!

Learning acceptance

Well yesterday I was at a prayer retreat. I had lots of questions but one of my main questions isn't just for God it's also for any one who can answer it! I have even asked Rickey, who can't even answer it.

I like to think that I treat Rickey the way I would want to be treated if I suffered this illness. So my question, where is the line? You know the line to know when to push him and get him out of his rut and that time when I need to step back and give him his space. If you ask him in a moment of low he will tell you to leave him alone and don't worry about it.

I do worry! We were going to go to a friends church this morning but with the anxiety his is having now, he doesn't want to be around people. When do I push? I am not used to this person and people try to understand but they can't wrap their minds around it either.

I do need to say that after last nights post, R said "it sounds like your life sucks right now". Well yes it kinda does but I also want you all to know, I love our sweet moments and I am still married to my best friend and I wouldn't want to go through this with ANY one else. I know has a awesome reason and I may not understand and I also know there are people losing their spouses to death, I am thankful I still have my husband. I don't want anyone to think that our life stinks all the time. I just tend to get all the nasty stuff out on my blog, it's like my public diary. Just saying!

So anyway, I am learning to accept some of this and I think it helps me keep my sanity.

Prayers

Today was an eye opening day. We hosted at church a ladies prayer retreat. We would cover certain verses then would disperse and pray and this went on for 8 hours. It was emotionally taxing!! When you plan on meeting with Jesus for a specific reason, plan on learning a few things!

The whole time I was there our situation was on my mind. Questions would spin during my personal prayer time. I would ask, " what good is going to come out of this?", " why did You choose Rickey to go through this?" "what lessons can be learned and help us to learn them fast and get out of this pit!"

Well God didn't necessarily answer the above questions but I felt His loving presence not only directly through Him but also through the ladies I was with today. I am not my "normal" self right now and they were loving and encouraging.

This illness doesn't just affect R it very much reaches to not only us, his family, but also extended family and our church family. It breaks my heart to hear others tell me they know exactly what I am going through b/c I wouldn't want any one to walk this road.

It's not a good day for R today. I came home to him in the "man cave" watching tv in the dark. On the plus side he did get out and drive around which is good , he has got to get out and try. He did.

Well heres to another busy weekend! Hopes and prayers that next week is good!

Really?!?!

Ok. You know how I told you at the very beginning that I don't like surprises? Well I hate the unknown. Today was one of those days when being a psychic would be great!

R woke up with a "down" attitude, it was raining cats and dogs today and so on and so forth. Work went pretty well and Kenndra and I even prayed that the rain would hold off until I dropped her off at school, and the Lord answered prayer. I have yet to figure out how to not let R's feelings dictate my day. But when you marry your best friend and "become one" it's hard not to let his feelings spill over into mine. I live my day with a knot in my stomach. It's not his fault, I want him to be honest with me, and I am here to listen to me when he needs me. Sometimes it doesn't over whelm me, sometimes. My poor man was on his way to the doctor to fill out paper work and he ran out of gas, walked in the rain to go get the gas and ran out of time before he could make it to the doctor. Those are the kind of thing you and me would get down about but get over, unfortunately for him it darkens the day even more.

I am happy so far with his therapist, she called today and checked to see if he was able to fill out his paper work and to see how he was doing. Very kind lady!

Kids were fighting today, I think the weather dictates their attitude too. Went to get my nails done as soon as R got home only to chip one while fixing dinner! Just those little things that really tick me off! Tomorrow is a prayer retreat at church I am looking forward to that, having time to just talk to my Jesus is gonna help. Heres to a day ending and and new one to begin tomorrow!!!

just another day!

Today is a good day. It's almost friday and we've all had good attitudes! Even my pre-teen. Not much going on today. Rickey had counseling today for the first time. He thinks it's gonna be ok. Work was good for him. Mine was ok, a few fussy babies but still not to bad! I'll take it.

Not many deep thoughts running through this brain tonight. I actually cooked dinner tonight so I am just trying to simmer my self. Emma has been with her grandma since she is out of school for a few weeks so I haven't seen her, I miss that little sassy. So grateful for a mother in law who doesn't work full time and is willing to take care of my babies when she is asked if she can.

Mom texted me today around 6 asking where her blog was. I hadn't gotten to it yet b/c I was waiting till R got home and filled me on counseling and such. Don't think this one will be a tear jerker for you mom. I do have to say that I'd rather have little to say because our day was so low key and good than have to get lots of words out b/c of a bad day. Gearing up for a busy weekend.

Prayer retreat on saturday. I am so ready, the ladies are just going to have a time of deep prayer so that we can really grow. Sunday we are planning to go see R's friend Dallas preach at his church. I am looking forward to that! In the back of my mind I do worry that R will be in a low spot and he won't feel like going. So pray that he keeps this good thing going!

Another day

Well it's another day in the Downs home. Granted we were all out of the house today, work and school. It's been a good day. I have to say I am sorry. I tend to write a lot when our days are bad, but if your reading my blog you should hear just as much about our good days.

I am finding that as R gets older he is turning into a "non morning" person. I am so not a morning person, never have been. So I am learning to not base my day on morning attitudes. That being said I like to send R off to work and talk to him at 9 before I make a choice on  how his day is going. Today is good. He made me laugh today, I know he is ok when he makes me laugh.

He goes to counseling tomorrow. I am so curious to know how it's gonna go. He is willing and ready to go, I am sure he will be a little nervous tomorrow but lift prayers that he will stay strong and go to his appointment.

We have church tonight. I teach the kids. I know we'll have fun. I kinda like staying busy. The older I get the more I like staying busy and since I am busy when I have down days I make sure I do nothing! I am know to be lazy and I am darn good at it!

Isn't it funny sometimes we can be something and not know it? We ordered Autism awareness t-shirts from AJ's teacher a few weeks ago and they came in. AJ brought them home today and is very proud of them. He asked to me read what was on the front and I did. I don't think it's ever come out of my mouth " AJ you have autism". I choked up and he just went about what he was doing with out a hitch. Our son is the most amazing boy I know. I had my doubt(if I a being honest) when he was younger. We couldn't go out and do anything but church b/c he always had a hard time understanding his boundaries and wasn't potty trained until he was 5. My God has allowed him to make so many leaps and bounds in the last 5 years and God has protected and guided him into this wonderful kid who we enjoy being around. He is a daddy's boy through and through. Loves cars and working hard with R. I think he is a help to R where some of us can't be. There is a special bond there created for both of their good.

On the brighter side

I am a die hard optimist, even if you can't tell by reading this blog. So I got to thinking, again, last night of the good that has come out of this whole "new life".

As I was reading some of the chat rooms about bipolar I did find my self grateful that R isn't a cheater, in our relationship. Not all bipolars cheat but quite a few that were in the chat do. That is one area that is good.

The sweet moments, those are when R is feeling better and he is happy and loving are much sweeter now, I realize that I should soak in all I can. I enjoy seeing his happy smile.

I feel sometimes that I am talking about an dementia person. I thought about that last night too. I don't mean to speak that way. R is very lucid and smart and here. But the brain does cause strange things in your brain.

The support that when have seen, that is so awesome! I love the people that are in our lives. We a blessed!

Not so promising...

Good news, I'm home for two days with Emma since she is out of school. She still woke up at 5:40 this morning! I was hoping to get some quiet time in between AJ and Rickey leaving and getting the girls up to take K in to school. If you know Emma there is never a slow moment once her feet hit the floor out of bed.

Yesterday was a not so good day in our home. R was down. So last night after we went to bed  I started researching a little more about bipolar. Sadly I have just taken what R has told me and not learned more my self. I didn't feel I was doing him justice or myself until I learned more.

I was reading online last night. Not my best research but still getting some understanding. None the less I was a bit discouraged by what I read. R has bipolar disorder 2. The reading I did get on it fit R to a T. I also read some forums from spouses that have said statistics are high for divorce for bipolar couples. My plan is to prove that article wrong!!

This is a hard road we're on, and we're only 6 months in. We both ask each other sometime " do you wanna stay? Do you want out?" We love each other so very much!! No we will hold on tight. One big thing I think we have in our corner is our faith in Jesus!! I know we already have a weapon! It's not a secret weapon, we want people to know how we fight!!!

I want a new job...

Well this morning I had every intention of putting in my notice as "mom".  You know those times when you feel like you have too many irons in the fire and your kids wake you up talking on their walkie talkies. That was my morning.

I have felt so over whelmed lately. I have been asking God why women have to be so busy and born natural multi-taskers. I'm making food, cleaning, helping with homework, talking on the phone and trying to keep people happy. With R's illness when he hits a low spot I end up having to run behind and picking up where he leaves off. Or if he's sick sometimes I have to fill in, such as the case this weekend, I got to help put in cabinets with Papa.

Well I kinda got put in my place today. I went to the church where I work, for services today. We do this once a year to celebrate our preschool. Pastor Mark just happened to be talking about the Proverbs 31 women. The Lord really spoke to me through his sermon. Allowing me to see first that I am his creation and He created me this way for a reason and second to bring Him glory. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my self and yes I am doing things for others, but not for the right reasons.

So here I go, a new week, a new lesson learned.

What I learned today

Oh my goodness what a day, and it's not even 6 pm yet! I will be telling about my day in chronological order. Just so I don't get confused.

First, it is cold!! Got up this morning to walk the dog and was not ready for what I felt!! Then Rickey got sick so I got elected to go help my papa put in cabinets. Thats where I learned the most today.

Went over to my grandparents this morning not sure what the day would hold. I am not a manual labor kind of girl so I was intimidated. Told them R has a stomach bug and now I am the helper for the day!!

My feelings were that I was not equipped to do something of this nature. That is so R's department. But we started any way. It was hard from the get go. Ripping up the old stuff. My papa, even as manly as he is, has had strokes and a 5 bypass done so he isn't the strong, clear minded man he used to be. So I had to do some of the harder stuff. He cut through some wiring early in the project that we still haven't got working again. We are still not done. I gotta do stuff tomorrow if R isn't better. I did learn that I can do things I didn't think I could and that I love helping my grandparents after all they have done for us. It's very gratifying to accomplish building things. Getting old scares me, because there are just things we will never be able to stop or change. It breaks my heart to see two of my very favorite people wearing down. At some points during the day I could break things he couldn't. But over all I love spending time with them and I am blessed to still have 2 grandma's(not together but on my moms side and dad's) and a wonderful papa!!!

Hears to another day!

Got to thinking

Yep it doesn't happen often but I did get my little wheels turning this afternoon. Yes most times with this blog it's about R and I but today not so much.

I was thinking about parenting. I work at a pre-school so I see and have seen my share of parents and the way they interact with their kids. Granted for the most part since my pre school is Christian based and we have parents who are in the upper middle class, where you just dont see as many problems, still it got me to thinking.

I got to watching how our parents interacted with the kids at our school and how their kids act. We are blessed to have such loving people who attend our school and how they are involved with them. When I say involved it doesn't mean that they are at our school volunteering but rather knowing what is going on and being there when they are needed.

Rickey and I came from much different back grounds so when you see us as parents it gets me b/c we really see eye to eye on alot of things. By no means are my kids perfect or well behaved. I am however very proud of the people they are. Kenndra, while becoming a teenager, is a beautiful, helpful girl who loves on just about anyone who comes into her path, AJ my sweet boy is kind and thoughtful and willing to lend a helping hand, his teachers say he displays leadership with the kids in class, Emma is my clown who loves to talk and help where she can, if she has nothing better to do. It amazes me that these three different people have some things in common. I hear from all their teachers that they are willing to lend a helping hand. I love that. I am not trying to to boast on myself or Rickey but to make a point.

I want to encourage those parents who like R and I work full time and can not take off to go to their school or to buy them and their friends lots of goodies, you can still love your kids. We show our kids love by loving on them, listening to them and correcting them. One of these days(if we like it or not) they will be adults out in the world and I don't want my kids to be burdens but rather helpers who will be there for others.

All good things...

All good things don't have to come to an end. Some good things only get better!! Now it does come with its own set of problems but these can be worked through.

My only question is this, why do things have to come to a head for them to get better? Such was my day yesterday. I know that yesterday held its problems for lots of people. All day at work I noticed things going wrong, with co-workers, kids and even all the crazy drivers. I did have a pit in my stomach for much of the day. When I got home there was my good thing in the cloak of ugliness.

Now I won't go into detail, it's not necessary. The problem was resolved but it had to get bad to get better. We all know a marriage takes lots of work and this was one of those days.

The good was that my sweet husband is ready to live a life worth great meaning. It's gonna take work and thats what his counseling is for and he and I are both excited to see some mighty changes!! We know that the road we are on isn't always going to be paved or even have signs, but we'll walk the way the Lord directs. We ended our conversation with prayer and thats the way we will begin things too!

We don't even encourage a couple to continue with a relationship with out the Lord as their center. We had lost some of that focus but hadn't forgotten that in order to stay strong and fight a good fight we both have to have Him as the center of our every move.

I've said it more than once and I'll say it again, I love my husband more than any thing in this world and our love for each other and for God will get us through anything!!!!! No if's, and's or but's about it!!! I am so grateful for our love for one another.

just one day

Just one day, thats all I want. One day with no hiccups. One smooth day where I can breath easy, and not worry about this or that. Not even just R and his illness but my babies and their health and well being. Or my co-workers and their lives. Alas thats not possible life is life. I can sit and wish all I want but it will never happen until we are in heaven!

Darn! Come on. I think if you know me I am not a whiner, but this is one place I am whine and cry and boo hoo and get away with it. Life just stinks sometimes and I have to learn how to pick my self up and try to look at all the positive. I want to see the positive every day! Just sitting here and writing all my feelings out makes me feel better. This makes me look at my life and be grateful. My kids are healthy(except Emma who has a headache), my husband and I have jobs, we have a wonderful house with plenty of room, and landlords who have been so patient with us when we've been with out money and gave us understanding, a husband who loves me and is happy (most of the time) to come home to me. I have a wonderful family who loves and supports just about anything we choose to do.

Thank you Jesus for your blessings. I am sorry for when I choose to slap you in the face by complaining about what I don't have. Please help me to learn my lesson so that I can be happy with my blessings. Most of all thank you for my salvation that gives me the best blessing of all!!

Thank you Lord for a brand new day!

It's a good few days! R is having a good day and so am I! I am soaking it up while I can. R can't go to the dr until next monday but it's ok. Its funny how in these times you really learn how to roll with the punches.

My mom and dad(aka safety blanket) are going out of town for a few days. Thats just another way God is drawing me to Him. I know I won't always have people in my life to turn to, not even my sweet husband or parents. I am continually reminded of that. If only I would learn my lesson the first time!

Thank you for all your prayers. We know that there will be good and bad but at least we have each other. I wouldn't want it any other way!